Editor’s Note: As of August 14, 2006, we are no longer accepting sestina submissions.
Anna Karenina (Or Like, Most of It).
BY JONAH WINTER
[Originally published November 19, 2003.]
So, like, I read this really cool novel that was like
all about these different relationships?
You know like there were these different couples and like
some of the couples were like, okay, or whatever, but, there was this one couple that was like so
unhappy! I mean, it was like, WOW,
you know? The wife was like, married to this big dude
who was like, you know—real intense. Dude,
I’m serious, this guy was like
majorly into making money and like, ignoring his wife, until she was just like: “Wow,
this is NOT what I signed up for,” right? I mean, like, their relationship
was like—Oh. My. God. —TOTALLY unfulfilling. TOTALLY!!! So,
like, then there are these other characters too? And they’ve all got these like
in-CRED-ibly long names, and things like that. (I think they’re like
related or something.) Anyway, like, so, this wife falls in love with this other dude
who’s like, I guess, totally amazing—and they are like SO
into each other it’s not even funny. Seriously. She’s just like
“Oh my God this is like a real relationship.
And then like, she goes to visit her brother or something. Wow.
This is such an , it’s hard to like
remember stuff. Okay. So, anyway, her brother’s like also having problems in his relationship
with his wife. And his wife is like, “Dude,
what the fuck?” And he’s like
“What?” And she’s like, "_That_ is just SO
uncool to just like, SMILE right now." Cause you know like he was like SO
busted when his wife you know like caught him with the maid? And then his sister was like, “Wow
so, I guess you can’t help me.” And he was like,
“What-Ever.” Or, you know, “RE_LAX_.” And she was like,
So then like her husband finds out about her relationship—
and THAT is DEFINITELY not cool with him. And so then like THEIR relationship
actually gets like, even worse? Cause he is just like SO
telling her what to do and stuff, how he’s gonna like, hurt her, and stuff, and she is like “Dude,”
I’m outta here." And so like she goes back to the other dude, and he is like “Wow,
it’s really great to see you!” And so like
I guess they’re not, like, using protection that night? and so she gets like,
you know—pregnant. And that’s when things get like really fucked up in their relationship.
Cause you know like they’re not married or anything and so
she just goes “Wow. Now I’m gonna have to OFF myself… DUDE!!!”
SUGGESTED READSSestina: Literary-Gossip Sestina #1
by Keith O'Neill (10/25/2004)
Sestina: The Graduate Student in Comparative Literature Weighs the Merits of a Career in Pornographic Film
by Dafydd Wood (11/6/2005)
Sestina: A Wrinkle in Time
by Ange Mlinko (8/6/2006)
RECENTLYOur Wonderful Babysitter is Available!
by Doug Moe (5/27/2015)
List: Classic Wisdom for Your Early 20s
by Jewel Galbraith (5/27/2015)
Monologue: A Guy Who Overestimated Swine Flu Emerges From His Bunker
by Lev Novak (5/27/2015)