Dear Ayn,

I’m dating a man who I think I love, but I’m afraid he’s having an affair. He comes home late, he acts suspiciously, and he even has red lipstick on his collar. Should I confront him or just hope for the best?

— County Affair
 
Dear County,

Red lipstick? Your husband is a communist. Divorce him and sell his clothes, children, and pens to make money to spend on cars, human slaves, and bigger pens. This will simultaneously stimulate the economy and punish the slaves for not having jobs. Slaves: what lazybones!

Hope this helps,
Ayn,
 

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Dear Ayn,

I’m trying to figure out which color dress to get my daughter for her First Communion. Is red gauche?

— Paint the Dress Red
 
Dear Paint,

Hmmm, this is a tough one. On one hand, I hate communism (“Reds”). On the other hand, I hate religion. On the third hand, I hate women. FYI, do you know how I got that third hand? I bought it from a child! Ho HO! He was easily tricked into selling me his hand for a nickel and a pious man’s drum! I have a baker’s dozen child-hands in my glove compartment!!!!

Hope this helps,
Ayn
 

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Dear Ayn,

My baby daughter is turning one year old, and I don’t know if I should throw her a birthday party or not. What should I do? I’d appreciate any advice.

- One is the Loneliest Number           
 
Dear One,

DO NOT reward this tiny unemployed Jew with a party. Your so-called “baby” is most likely an immigrant (read: LAZYBONES) who doesn’t contribute to her family’s income and gives terrible, poor-people gifts like HD-DVDs and sand. Unrelated question: does your baby have any spare hands?

Hope this helps,
Ayn
 

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Dear Ayn,

My in-laws are coming to Thanksgiving dinner at my house for the first time. I’m not great at hosting: how do I make sure we have enough food and that we all get along?

— Turkey Lurkey
 
Dear Lurkey,

The lavish Thanksgiving meal is a symbol of the fact that abundant consumption is the RESULT AND REWARD OF PRODUCTION. Do you see a poor “person” on the street? (NOTE: I put “person” in quotes because poor people are more like CHAIRS in my book because you should SIT on them.) Ask this “person” (read: chair) for his half-sandwich for your Thanksgiving meal. Does he not relinquish that symbol for all American pride, the half-sandwich? Does he not relinquish his half-BLT, his half-PB&J? Distract him with some sort of juvenile puppet-based theater and steal that half-sandwich. That is YOUR HALF-SANDY, for YOU ARE GOD. YOU ARE GOD. YOU ARE A GOD EATING A HALF-HAM-AND-CHEESE SANDY. Note: to be clear, it is half of a ham-and-cheese sandwich, not a whole half-ham and cheese sandwich.

Hope this helps,
Ayn
 

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Dear Ayn,

Are you the warrant and the sanction?

— Dawdling In Dallas
 
Dear Dawdling,

I am the warrant and the sanction.

Ayn
 

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Dear Ayn,

I don’t mean to be offensive, but your writing is overwhelmingly juvenile and one-note. How did you become such an influential figure, a cornerstone of the landscape of American conservative politics? You write like a petulant child.

—Hollis Hurlbut, Professor of Comparative Literature, Harvard University
 
Dear Hollis,

Your mom’s juvenile.

Hope this helps,
Ayn
 

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Dear Ayn,

I’m in Los Angeles for a day and I don’t have much spending cash. What are some fun things to do that are cheap and easy?

— SoCal SoCheap
 
Dear SoCal,

Here are some options:

  • Tattoo “laissez faire” on a celebrity’s bagel.
  • Build a statue of me, Ayn Rand, out of cheap materials (rose gold, the word of a liberal, Mexican day labor).
  • Throw that statue at the Chair who built it (aim for the throat).
  • Go to the zoo and taunt an animal smaller than you (human children count).
  • Make a coat out of some Dalmatians.
  • Push a baby into another baby and point and laugh while they cry and then trip the babies and then laugh more at those babies that you tripped.
  • Make a coat out of someone with Medicare.

Hope this helps,
Ayn
 

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Dear Ayn,

I’m considering becoming a communist. Should I become a communist?

— Commie Dearest
 
Dear Commie,

No.

Hope this helps,
Ayn
 

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Dear Ayn,

If I yell enough at gays and Jews and Mexicans and Michael J. Foxes, will my daddy love me? Will he kiss me on the face and not throw paperweights at my face and love me?

— Rush Limbaugh
 
Dear Rush,

Yes.

Hope this helps,
Ayn
 

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Dear Ayn,

I caught my wife reading Atlas Shrugged the other day. She’s been acting strange ever since: yelling for no reason, physically harming children, stealing from those poorer than us, hating other women. Do you know what’s wrong?

Sincerely,
Atlas My Love Has Come Again

 
Dear Atlas,

Women can’t read.

Ayn