BY JOHN PECK
[Originally published May 9, 2012.]
AC/DC: Beer-battered kangaroo sausage, sliced hard-boiled egg, low-calorie port cheese, Dutch crunch.
Black Sabbath: Ham, stilton, LSD mustard, milled wheat bread.
Thin Lizzy: Chopped sausage, mincemeat, Jameson-shiitake reduction, soda bread.
The Beatles: Beef, ham, chicken, lamb, fondue sauce, dinner roll.
Wings: Sliced vegan haggis, wilted arugula, aged soy cheddar, rice bread.
Led Zeppelin: Arum sandwich with hummus, lettuce, 22 thin-sliced deli meats; side of Colman’s mustard.
Bob Dylan: Scrapple, melted pepper jack, hemp-seed garlic bread.
The Pogues: Gin-fed lamb, whiskey-marinated turkey, beer-braised pork shoulder, mustard, soda bread.
Van Halen: Grilled 17-cheese sandwich on white bread; side of nacho cheese soup.
Ted Nugent: Cubed Grizzly bear, white buffalo brisket, unicorn haunch, Jim Beam barbecue sauce, white bread.
The Jimi Hendrix Experience: Bacon-double cheeseburger, mescaline pesto, sourdough bread.
Yes: Smoked ham, sprouts, candied foxgloves, braised fawn, dandelion greens, grilled fly agaric, irradiated kamut roll.
Allman Brothers: Honey-bourbon brisket, potato chips, Milk Duds, dandelion greens, seeded bun.
Pink Floyd: Amethyst-rubbed pork, asparagus jelly, moon-dried tomatoes, pumpernickel.
Jethro Tull: Roasted king bolete, ginger chutney, hempseed bread.
Emerson, Lake and Palmer: Ham, grape jelly, everything bagel.
Van Morrison: Lamb kebab, yogurt, thistle butter, Tupelo honey, jelly roll.
Simon and Garfunkel: Fried pork cutlet, ketchup, mustard, parsley, sage, rosemary, flour tortilla.
Bruce Springsteen: Cheesesteak, peppers, grilled headband, ketchup, seeded bun.
ABBA: Reindeer paté, candied rose petals, white bread.
Guns ’n Roses: Bacon-double cheeseburger, bittermelon jelly, Rogain aioli, sliced glazed donut.
The Who: Roast beef, boiled guitar strings, dinner roll.
Neil Young: Cubed ham, Kraft macaroni and cheese, blackened Anaheim peppers, 18-grain Anasazi bread.
Rolling Stones: Beef tongue, caviar, platinum-coated fried onions, ketchup, white bread.
Tom Waits: Boiled racehorse brisket, mustard, dark rye bread.
Roxy Music: Tandoori chicken breast, kalamata olive and sun-dried tomato tapenade, fried dragonfly wings, mache, sprouted bun.
Brian Ferry: Chipotle/cocaine-rubbed pork shoulder, herbed goat cheese, french roll.
The Cars: Pepsi-braised hamburger, Roquefort dressing, white bread.
Neil Diamond: Brandy-marinated ham, cheese spread, cherry pie filling, Texas toast.
Queen: Fried Corinthian leather, Pop Rocks, sprouts, mayo, baguette.
Creedence Clearwater Revival: Alligator sausage, ketchup, relish, seeded hot dog bun.
Cream: Curried goat ribs, marmalade, lettuce, ruby powder, spelt bread.
Beach Boys: Grilled chicken breast, mustard, lettuce, SPF-50 sunscreen aioli, crispy fried peyote bits, white bread.
The Doors: Beer-battered fried chicken, mescaline ketchup, Navajo fry bread.
Huey Lewis and the News: Butterflied hot dog, pizza sauce, Cheez-Whiz, Dutch crunch.
Hall and Oates: Tuna salad, diet coleslaw, pomade, hamburger bun.
Prince: Braised peacock cheeks, lavender spread, mustard, mayo, baguette.
Grateful Dead: Lemon verbena sorbet, peanut butter, clarified hemp butter, deep-fried brownie bites, M&Ms, stale focaccia.
Kiss: Low-sodium smoked turkey, Velveeta, braised $100 bills, sequined bun.
Meat Loaf: Turkey meatloaf, lettuce, fat-free mayo, deep-fried silk, whole wheat bread, pint of dipping gravy.
Styx: Chopped hot dog, Cheez-Whiz, butter, poppyseed bagel.
Heart: Stewed cloud ear mushrooms, jalapeño mustard, mayo, arugula, hexagonal gold-embossed cornbread.
The Police: Smoked trout, horseradish-Viagra mayo, white bread.
Rush: Seagrams-marinated grilled flank steak, carbonated pineapple-jalapeño cheese spread, maple-wasabi aioli, hand-milled laser-cut 37-grain flatbread.
U2: Olive loaf, Tasmanian honey, shade-grown arugula, free-trade coffee-balsamic reduction, wheat bread.
Nick Drake: Ptarmigan tears, nettle spread, rice bread.
David Bowie: Curried snow leopard, mayo, garlic naan.
The Kinks: Roast beef, balsamic cigarette-butt reduction, dark rye.
Squeeze: Pickled herring, Dijon mustard, Silly String, pumpernickel.
Can: Flash-fried hummingbird, sliced gruyere, shredded kelp, curry ketchup, seeded roll.
John Cage: Silence, warmth, indirect sunlight, the memory of lettuce, the idea of bread.
Velvet Underground: Salami, cheddar, shredded pre-war 1000-Deutschmark bills, oil paint, heroin gravy, French roll.
R.E.M.: Vegan chicken tenders, small-batch barbecue sauce, pickled rutabaga, dinner roll.
The Residents: Ham, cheese, playing cards, nickels, rye bread.
Bjork: Sliced narwhal, mustard, whole wheat bread.
Pixies: Hamburger, ketchup, crispy hemp leaves, Belgian waffle.
Sonic Youth: Roast beef, cheddar spread, brie, pork sausage, soy sausage, almond butter, curried prawns, barbiturate mayo, Asian coleslaw, shredded coconut, sprouted wheat bread.
Fugazi: Cold Tofurkey, radicchio, frozen capers, rice bread.
Kraftwerk: Vegan peppered ham, cucumber slices, baked microchips, sprouted wheat bread.
Aphex Twin: Stilton, Colman’s mustard, wasabi paste, adrenochrome jelly, baked Polaroids, dinner roll.
Ministry: Cheeseburger, pickles, lettuce, WD-40 aioli, cocaine-dusted bun.
Godspeed You! Black Emperor: Vegan brisket, raw horseradish, mascerated ghost pepper dressing, whole baguette.
Venom: Burnt goat marrow, black sand, iceberg lettuce, scarab-husk bread.
Bauhaus: Baked tofu, hemlock spread, black mustard, French roll.
The Cure: Turkey ham, mayo, Chanel No. 5, sparrow feathers, wheat bread.
Depeche Mode: Chicken breast, Swiss cheese, grilled suede, fried onions, mascara aioli, seeded baguette.
The Smiths: Vegan ham, mustard, mayo, bacon wrapped in lettuce, white bread.
Joy Division: Stilton, nightshade jelly, zucchini bread.
The Clash: Moroccan eggplant tagine, marmite, soda bread.
Sex Pistols: Deep-fried Frank Sinatra LP, Russian mustard, spackle, tacks, stale rye bread.
Ramones: Sliced hot dog, amphetamine ketchup, mustard, relish, white bread.
Misfits: Pizza sub with pepperoni, mozzarella, olives, and fried bat nuggets; Kaiser roll.
Black Flag: Smoked turkey, mustard, shredded griptape, black spraypaint, sprouts, wheat bread.
G.G. Allin: Cubed grilled hammerhead shark, KY jelly, chunky peanut butter, stale tortilla.
SUGGESTED READSList: Disingenuous Reasons for Band Names (’70s Edition)
by Ryan Boudinot (12/21/2004)
Monologue: The Lead Singer Is Distracting Me
by Juan Martinez (11/10/2006)
List: Inchoate Versions of Band Names
by Nick Leggatt and Robert Jenkins (9/27/2012)
RECENTLYNo One Can Tell Me What to Do—Except for People With the Proper Authority to Do So
by Zack Bornstein (10/24/2014)
@thereal_saintfrancis_: Canticle of the Cool
by Nick Farrell and Rachel Farrell (10/24/2014)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to People Who Sell Sofas On Craigslist
by Angie Pelekidis (10/24/2014)