Barbie is a Product
of Her Environment.
BY Jan Edwards
Barbie Goes to the Beach
Barbie is wearing a new maillot from J. Crew. She applies SPF 70 because she recently had precancerous skin cells removed from her bottom lip. Barbie’s friend is a doctor who recently said to Barbie, “Nobody loves a girl with melanoma.” Barbie nodded gravely but, as she stared at her friend, was thinking, Actually, nobody loves a girl with fat thighs.
Barbie Loves Her Life
Barbie’s parents wanted her to go to med school. Instead, she got a degree in fashion merchandising and wears pink tank tops. She has impeccable cleavage. A graceful neck. Scrubs wouldn’t have done a thing for her ass.
Barbie Loves Weddings
Barbie used to be in love but not anymore because Ken was fucking his friend Kevin. Skipper quoted Legally Blonde to her older sister: “If a girl like you can’t keep a guy, what the hell are the rest of us supposed to do?” Skipper is kind of a bitch. Skipper is engaged. Barbie is her maid of honor. Barbie loves weddings.
Barbie Goes Shopping
In the dressing room Skipper says, “You’re too thin—you should eat a hamburger or something.” But Barbie doesn’t eat meat; she’s a good California girl. Skipper is shorter with smaller boobs. She has always been jealous. Barbie smooths pink fabric across her stomach and says, “Skipper, can you go get me this in a 0?”
Barbie Paints the Town Pink
Once in 11th grade Ken had sex another girl so Barbie drank nine glasses of white zin. She threw up all over the sidewalk outside the party. Barbie’s father came to get her, and she threw up in the car on the way home. Barbie doesn’t drink pink wine anymore.
Barbie Goes to 2nd Base
Once Barbie thought she might be a lesbian. She wondered what the bases were for girl-on-girl stuff. She wasn’t clear on what happened at “home plate” so she googled it. Skipper saw the search later and said, “Barbie, what the fuck?” Nosy bitch.
Barbie Gets Emotional
Sometimes when Barbie is drunk she cries for no reason. Sometimes it happens during sex. It could be because Barbie feels like a slut but it could just as well be random crying. There really is no way to tell.
Barbie Goes to Mass
Three people Barbie has had sex with are currently in this church. They are all sitting with their mothers. Barbie wonders whether any of them have plans over the next few days. Christmas, the season of giving.
Barbie’s Fashion Fairytale
Ken has a really small penis, but he takes her shopping in SoHo. So Barbie hasn’t broken up with him yet.
Skipper is always talking about how perfect her boyfriend is. She jokes that Barbie should totally hook up with him so she could see how big his dick is. So Barbie did. For once, Skipper wasn’t exaggerating.
Barbie’s Fairy Secret
Once Barbie and Midge took a shower together at the lake because they’d been night swimming and were drunk and giggly and cold. Barbie thought, It’s a good thing I’m not a guy or I would have a boner and that would be awkward.
Barbie Has Sunspots
Barbie’s bulimia isn’t great for keeping her birth control 99% effective. Ken hopes it’s twins: They’ll be so blonde and tan isn’t that so cute? Two Nordic sunspots, just what Barbie always wanted. She’ll call them Vladimir and Helga.
Barbie the Ballerina
Barbie is singing show tunes loudly as she twirls around her living room with her fifth glass of wine. She runs into her coffee table. In the morning she will not remember how she got this bruise.
SUGGESTED READSBitchslap: A Column About Women and Fighting: Column 24: Connecting
by Susan Schorn (1/26/2011)
Kate Chopin’s The Awakening is Making Me Reevaluate My Casual Three-Month Relationship
by Emily Axford (3/9/2011)
Dendrophilia and Other Social Taboos: Bad Feminist
by Dani Burlison (3/28/2012)
RECENTLYWelcome to the Stay-at-Home Dads’ Grand Theft Auto Crew
by Ben Godar (3/11/2014)
Testomania: Are You Color Blind?
by Janet Manley (3/11/2014)
List: Captions for Models in Knitting Catalogs
by Olivia Ciacci (3/11/2014)
POPULAROpen Letters: An Open Letter to Men On the Subway, Specifically During Morning Rush Hour On the A Train Between Jay Street and Canal
by Jenna Clark Embrey (2/21/2014)
Kama Sutra for Couples Who Have Been Dating for Over Three Years
by Chelsea Davison (1/15/2014)
I Hope You Enjoy This Artisanal Knuckle Sandwich
by Keith Wisniewski (2/26/2014)