Dear Mr. President,
I would like to know how you, as President, stand on your soapbox so firmly, without slipping in those obnoxiously huge alligator-skin shoes of yours. Just curious.
Sincerely,
Balthazaar Crumb
Dear Mr. President,
I do not understand how you can honestly support an amendment to the constitution banning gay marriage in this country. I understand that you personally believe it to be wrong. I understand that your church may perceive marriage to be between a man and a woman. But I also understand that the marriages your church doles out and the ones that the state allows are two absolutely different things. The marriages given by a Catholic church, a Lutheran church, an Islamic temple, a Vegas chapel, and the Justice of the Peace are all different. You claim, with this bill, to be protecting the sanctity of marriage. Yet all this bill does is deny people benefits on the basis of their sexual orientation.
If you wish to protect the sanctity of a religion’s marriage, do that in your church. If you wish to protect the meaningfulness of legal marriage, guarantee its benefits for all and protect it from reality shows. Protect it from Britney Spears. Protect it from drunken, nameless one-night stands. But do not discriminate based on what your religious convictions tell you is wrong.
Sincerely,
Bob Grannan
Dear Mr. President,
I write to you as a dedicated citizen of the U.S.A. I also write to you as a potential future employee. I have heard that you may be in need of a Secretary of Defense in the near future, and I’d like to throw my name out there. Here are reasons why I would be good for the job:
1. I am good at slicking my hair back on my head and smiling a shark-smile at Congresspeople.
2. When I was 15 I played Risk with my brothers. I started out in the Middle East, and my brothers had a choke hold on me in Africa and Asia, but I turned the tables on them and won the world.
3. Do you like canasta? I’ve heard that you do, and I am a pretty good player, so maybe on Thursday nights we could all sit around and play some canasta and throw darts at the world map on your wall. We could joke about how we can’t pronounce the names of the countries we hit, and then you could pick up the red phone and quietly order a nucular missile strike on them.
4. I used to play Tecmo Bowl on the Nintendo Entertainment System, and I always guessed the right play when I was on defense. I was known as a whiz kid. The Who sang my praise in a B-track they never released. In truth, I watched out of the corner of my eye to see which play they were selecting. I can see Sunnis and Shiites out of the corner of my eye, too, Mr. President.
The truth is, my uncle insists that I apply for the job, even though I think I am not fully qualified. He challenged me to an arm wrestling match, and screamed at me as I cried and cried, sitting at the kitchen table. I took his challenge in blind rage and slammed his knuckles repeatedly on the table while I wept. He says I am now man enough to be a Secretary of Defense. He says he’ll shake my hand when I get the job if his hand is out of the cast by then.
Sincerely,
Sayce Falk
Dear Mr. President,
Nine days ago I thought I was in love with a boy, because that was an easy and clean feeling. Today I realized that I’m in love with the world, and it isn’t you, it’s me, and it’s messy, messy.
Yesterday I read a travel guide and it made me cry.
Sincerely,
Katherine J. Lee
Dear Mr. President,
My name is Khaled Aluoisi. I am from Jordan, but for the last 13 years I had lived in Florida, where all four of my children were born. Recently, my children and I were deported from the United States. I’d love to come back with my children who miss their country and live in love and peace.
Sincerely,
Khaled Aluoisi
Dear Mr. President,
So, you have this war going on, and wars are really expensive, and acquire a great deal of planning and calculated execution, I’m sure. You have the huge task of liberating a nation and on top of that installing a new form of government, which in itself is a tricky little puzzle to figure out. The Bush plate is a full one and you, sir, are determined to finish every last bite so that mom will let you go out and play ball with the boys.
Now there’s this whole prisoner abuse thing. I tell you what, if it isn’t one thing, it’s a pyramid of naked Iraqis!
I really can’t see the big deal here, Prez. A few guys set up in a pyramid and paraded around naked? What they call human rights violations, you and I call another initiation night at the Fraternity, right buddy!
I mean it’s not like they were electrocuted to death in a chair. Sure, a guy was threatened, but there was never any switch thrown. They never went so far as to inject lethal toxins into the Iraqi bodies. Sure a little bit of this and that may have penetrated an anus or two, but no needles were inserted anywhere. Why is this?
Because, Mr. Bush, you would never allow prisoners of any kind to endure such treatment. You have shown your high regard for human life, so why won’t these naysayers just back the hell off?
Sorry to get so worked up, but it just kills me. Well, keep up the good work, sir. And if you could drop a good word in the right ear for me, I would appreciate it. You see, I paint houses for a living, have submitted a bid for some contract work in Iraq (those prison walls in the “prisoner torture” photos could use a good two or three coats!) and I could use some help with that, but, you know, it’s whatever.
Sincerely,
John DeCesaro
Dear Mr. President,
As a young child, at the tender age of six, in a grade school election, I voted for your father because he was the incumbent candidate.
Good thing I’ve learned a few things since then.
Sincerely,
Rebecca Stein
Dear Mr. President,
How is it that you cannot find work for people when there is clearly so much good work to be done?
Sincerely,
Christian Gloddy
[NOTE: The opinions expressed in these letters do not necessarily represent those of McSweeney’s, Knopf, Vintage, Kevin Feeney, Jessica Rabinowitz, or Gabe Hudson.]