At first, I could tell God had no idea what He was going to write in His list of commandments. He just started brainstorming rules: THOU SHALL NOT THROW SNOWBALLS. THOU SHALL NOT DANCE WHEN THOU IS DRUNK. NO HAVING FUN ON THURSDAY NIGHTS—just random items.
I had to get Him to focus. I told Him some of the more important problems we humans were dealing with: murder, theft, adultery. He asked me for some examples of laws I would proclaim if I were God. I told Him a few. He used all of my ideas verbatim. He honestly didn’t change one word, which was kind of annoying.
I didn’t understand why God needed me to carve these tablets out by hand when, you know, He’s omnipotent. It took me days to scratch out just one law. I’m certain there are easier ways to write than by carving into stone tablets. Maybe God could have just burned them out using lightening. But when I mentioned that to Him, He pretended that He was a bush and couldn’t speak.
So I asked Him to clarify some of the laws that I wasn’t sure about, like DON’T KILL.
“What if some guy is coming at you trying to murder you?” I asked. “Can you kill him?”
“No, just knock him out,” God said.
“What if he’s un-knock-out-able, like a Terminator?”
“How do you know about that character?”
I told Him how He’s always bragging about how awesome that movie will be in the future. God laughed and said, “Oh, yes. It’s fantastic!” Then He mentioned how it blows His mind that Kyle Reese is actually younger than John Connor, yet still his father. He went on and on for about an hour talking about how the moving picture had Him on the edge of His seat.
When I finally got Him back on subject, He said, “Yes, it is okay to kill a guy if the guy is like a Terminator and that is the only way to stop him.” It’s then I realized I was going to have to put an asterisk next to this law so people could read on for further elaboration. There was no way I was going to carve all that out, especially since I didn’t understand the part about dumping liquid nitrogen on someone.
Later, while we were talking about additional commandments, God got very excited and asked me, “What do you think would happen if I told the people they couldn’t worship any other gods besides me? Do you think the other gods would get mad?”
“Wait a second, are there other gods?” I asked. “Because you’ve been telling me you’re the only one.”
God assured me He was the only god. He said I simply misunderstood Him. But while I was writing the law out, He kept thinking out loud to Himself, giggling, “The others are going to be so pissed at me.”
I asked God if He could give me some extra strength or at least send me an angel to assist me with the stone carving. He told me He’ll see what He can do. See what He can do? He’s God. He just thinks it and, snap, it is so.
I don’t get Him sometimes.
After a few hours of grueling stone-carving labor, God told me He had an idea that should satisfy me. He said I should use the Omega Pen. Apparently, it uses extreme heat to melt stone and, when used properly, it can effectively produce script on granite and bedrock. I didn’t really understand all the fancy, technical language, but I told Him that it sounded incredible.
A few minutes later, a sour look came over on His face. “Whoops! That device hasn’t been invented yet,” He said. “Not until the year 2080. My bad.” Apparently, He forgot what century it was. To change the subject, He said I should take a break and do some arm stretches.
Perfect. A real miracle maker. Arm stretches.
While I tried massaging my own shoulders, God came up with another commandment, one he was particularly giddy about. “Here’s another one,” he said, “Write it down before I forget it: THOU SHALL NOT LIE. But be sure to mention that the law only applies to human beings. Gods can still lie if they want. For example, if a god wanted to lie about there being no other gods in the universe, it’s fine to lie about that.”
Then He mumbled something about getting a sandwich and disappeared.