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Boy Scout Merit
BY Jerry Renek
Help an old lady write a scathing Yelp review about Sizzler’s lazy waiters.
Cryonically preserve and revive a sibling.
Backpack across an IKEA in four days, surviving on meatballs, marinated herring, and lingonberry syrup.
Design and build a scale model of a modern supermax prison. Test its security features by starting a laboratory mouse/hamster race war.
Volunteer 50 hours feeding slam poets.
Construct a shelter using nothing but sticks, tree sap and your father’s New Yorker rejection letters.
With your parents’ permission, build a self-aware robot capable of love. Equip it with tear ducts and laser cannons.
Learn the lore of an Indian tribe. Exploit your newfound knowledge to mock their non-Christian ways.
Compost the losers of your mouse/hamster race war.
Collect 1000 stamps without committing suicide.
Immerse yourself in the customs of another civilization, become an honorary citizen, overthrow the leaders.
Track and kill a Webelo. Use all the parts.
Run 25 feet without stopping.
Struggle with finding a truly original voice in the art world until you become a famous, respected painter. At your MOMA career retrospective in 50 years, declare all art the illusion of failed childhood dreams. As you magically levitate through the ceiling, your self-aware robot blocks the only exit, raises its laser cannons and says, “I love you. Do you love me?”
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