Whenever Randy Johnson comes off the mound and looks down the Yankees bench for a calming force, he focuses on that empty seat next to Joe Torre, trying to conjure up the soothing images of a crazy bald man named Don Zimmer. Unfortunately for you, Randy’s imagination isn’t what it used to be and Don Cheadle finds his way into The Big Unit’s subconscious. And, while Mr. Cheadle does have a calming manner and unspoken charm, he fails to have that intangible quality that makes The Zim so valuable.
Verdict: Sell.
Before the 2005 season, Brian Roberts attended a two-day-long class examining (frame-by-frame) each of Steve McQueen’s films. This breakout season is the result of that study.
Verdict: Buy.
Missing from Mark Prior’s bubble-gum card is the fact that, in a previous life, he stole a bucket of porridge from an old multi-feline-owning woman, who, oddly enough, had a penchant for black magic, wooden-handled cleaning supplies, and cauldrons. There is one manager in your league that does not know this fact. Seek him out.
Verdict: Sell.
Jim Thome is not underperforming because of his injuries or due to paranoia of increasing steroid testing, but because he hates you and what you’ve become.
Verdict: Sell.
While the Astros winning three games a month will limit Brad Lidge’s save opportunities, his smooth demeanor and bootleg cassettes of The Toadies concerts will pay immediate dividends with the rest of the clubhouse.
Verdict: Buy.
For Keith Foulke, the contact high of being involved in the big Hollywood production of Fever Pitch clouded his mind with dreams of glitz, glamour, and the occasional dead hooker cover-up. Lucky for you, his Queer Eye makeover drained those thoughts right out of his head, allowing him to refocus his energy back to pitching.
Verdict: Buy.
A few months ago, Derrek Lee finally disposed of that cockroach, its sporadic sounds of quick, crusty movement having kept him up well into each and every night. With that infernal bug out of his life, Lee is now well-rested.
Verdict: Buy.
With a higher leg kick than a Jackie Chan impersonator, Dontrelle Willis will eventually expose a little too much crotchal area, according to a 46-year-old mother-of-two living in the St. Louis suburbs. Her complaint will bring an ultimatum from the FCC: Close those filthy legs of yours, or be prepared to have your steroid tests “accidentally” swapped with old Canseco specimens from the archives. Whatever his decision, either one will hurt your team in the long run.
Verdict: Sell.
If you trade Vladimir Guerrero now, you will get a stud player in return. If you wait until he comes back, news will leak regarding the truth around his extended absence: becoming a little too friendly with the Rally Monkey. While this action is acceptable in Vlad’s homeland, bestiality with a fictional ninth-inning marsupial promotion is frowned upon in the States. The legality of the situation is undetermined, but the heartache he feels is real.
Verdict: Sell.