Buying This Thing Will Make Me Happy.
BY RIVER CLEGG
[Originally published March 6, 2012.]
I know what you’re thinking, so don’t even say it. Buying that thing won’t make you happy, is what you’re thinking. Buying things never makes you happy, so why would you buy this thing? It won’t make you happy.
But you haven’t seen this thing.
It’s really cool. They just started making it and not many people have one yet. It does all sorts of stuff and can fit in my pocket, but it can also get bigger than that if I want it to. Plus it’s made by a company I trust to put out things that will make me happy.
(Not that I wouldn’t consider buying this thing even if it weren’t made by a familiar company—that’s how cool this thing is—but the fact that I know and trust the company makes it even better.)
It comes in both black and white, but I can also buy an affordable cover for it in a different color if I want. For example, if I buy it in black but decide I want it to be red today, I just buy the red cover and slide it on. Now it’s red—until I want it to be black again, that is. (I can do that for any other color too, not just red.)
This thing will make me happier during my commute. Whether I take the train or ride my bike, it will be there for me, and since it’s waterproof, I don’t even need to worry if it’s raining out. Making my commute stress-free will go a long way towards making me happy.
Other people will look up to me because I own this thing and use it frequently, which will make me very happy. When I’m at a party, for instance, I can wait for a moment when people start talking about how cool it looks from the latest advertisement. Then I can stroll over and take it out and start using it, pretending that I hadn’t heard their conversation, and I can look up casually and wink at them. They’re sure to be impressed. Only I haven’t decided about the wink yet, because maybe it would make it obvious that I had heard their conversation. The wink may have to be something I decide in the moment.
Some of my favorite TV and movie personalities already own this thing and they are all happy.
I haven’t spoken to my mother or father in over a year. It’s not that we had a big falling-out or anything; I guess we just drifted apart since I moved farther away. Plus I’ve been pretty busy at work lately. It’s the same reason I don’t talk to my sister much. Also, stuff has been a little weird between us ever since she confessed to not liking Anna, even though things didn’t work out between me and her. I ought to exercise more. Not that I hate how I look—it’s more just that I need to make some lifestyle changes. But I don’t know how. I wonder what Craig is up to. Sometimes I miss having friends. Boy, work has been a real bear lately—I remember when my sister and I were closer and we’d laugh together, just about nothing, it was such a good feeling. I should really call Mom. Or Craig. Does he still have the same number? But I know Mom would ask if I’m seeing anyone, and while I have been trying to put myself out there more, I still haven’t met the right person since Anna, and sometimes it gets discouraging. Poor Mom, I know she just wants me to relax and for everything to be okay.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
Another way this thing will make me happy is that it comes with a durable carrying case.
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