Cap’n Cook’s Code of Conduct.
BY DAN KENNEDY
1. The Greeting.
Suggested guest greetings for all shift captains and waitstaff:
“Let freedom ring!”
“It’s going to be at least twenty minutes.”
2. The Cap’n’s Philosophy.
There are two ways to do everything, matey: the Cap’n’s Way and the way that will get you fired. Do everything the Cap’n’s Way and you will not get fired, the Cap’n promises.
3. The Guest Birthday.
First, politely check ID to see that birth date matches today’s date. Comp one dessert, and offer special birthday dessert menu to other guests in party. Assemble minimum of three first mates and one shift captain to sing “Happy Birthday from the Cap’n.” Lyrics appear in the back of Cap’n Cook’s Code of Conduct. Sing to tune of regular Happy Birthday song. Do not EVER bring Cap’n Cook’s Code of Conduct to the table with you.
Suggesting or participating in “body shots.”
Debating validity of guest’s birth date as printed on ID.
Pretending not to hear when family member discreetly informs you of guest’s birthday.
Arranging for any celebration after Cap’n Cook’s regular hours of business.
Offering to “make the guest’s birthday extra-special out in the parking lot.”
4. More of the Cap’n’s Philosophy.
Matey, if you try and pretend to do things the Cap’n’s Way, but are, in fact, just doing things the way that will get you fired, the Cap’n will see right through your transparent ruse, and you will get fired.
5. Closing Time.
Acceptable ways of notifying last table(s) that we are closing:
Politely let guest(s) know that you would love to get them anything else they might wish to eat or drink before the kitchen and bar close for the evening.
Thank guest a second time, and remind them that Cap’n Cook’s is open later on Summer Fridays and Saturdays.
Thank guest a second time, and remind them of other great establishments in the waterfront area that remain open for late night business.
Turning up kitchen radio, altering your uniform by removing sailing coat and/or hat, and having your shift drink while you watch table from bar. Also, as a reminder you are allowed ONE shift drink. A lingering table is not an excuse to continue drinking, staring, and saying things out loud that you intend for guest(s) at table to hear.
Turning on all lights and doing your bleach mopping and loudly discussing your shift with kitchen staff.
Throwing Cap’n Cook’s Golden Brown Tater Wedges with/at/to another coworker.
6. Final Bit of the Cap’n’s Philosophy.
Around here the Cap’n is the cap’n.
7. “Happy Birthday From The Cap’n!”
(Sung to the tune of regular birthday song. Remember: you ARE responsible FOR knowing all LYRICS.)
Happy Birthday from the Cap’n
Happy Birthday from the Cap’n
Happy Birthday dear (Guest name)
Happy Birthday from the Cap’n.
And many more, matey.
(All join for three cheers of “Ahoy!”)
Cap’n Cook says, “Try to obtain guest’s first name when you check birth date on ID. If you have not obtained first name, or cannot remember it, or are not sure how to pronounce it, guest is ALWAYS referred to as ‘first mate’ or ‘matey,’ not ‘that person’ or ‘Whoever.’”
SUGGESTED READSA Memo From The Cap’n
by Dan Kennedy (5/28/2002)
Pirate Riddles for Sophisticates
by Kevin Shay (6/14/2000)
Adventure Week: As Far As The Eye Can See, Part 2 Of 2.
by Benjamin Jared Gilton (5/23/2001)
RECENTLYBridge Troll Associate Apprenticeship Opportunity
by Sarah Sloat (4/17/2015)
@thereal_saintfrancis_: Joyful Roars
by Nick Farrell and Rachel Farrell (4/17/2015)
Letters to McSweeney’s
by Various Letter Writers (4/17/2015)