Teddy Wayne is the author of the novels Kapitoil and The Love Song of Jonny Valentine.
BY TEDDY WAYNE
A scalded cat fears cold water—and don’t even think about putting Mr. Fluffers into a lukewarm bath, because he’ll claw your face. Make sure to feed him twice a day, but alternate the cans; morning’s on the left cabinet, night’s on the right. My right. Yes. Here’s his eye drops—each night, you’ll have to hold him down without being, like, aggressive about it, or he’ll claw your face, and dispense six drops into each eye or else he’s vulnerable to pink eye. If he gets it, you’ll basically catch it, too. He wakes up around five, five-thirty, and will start meowing and jumping on the bed and clawing your face, but after you feed him, you can go back to bed, and he won’t claw you again till six-thirty, six at the earliest. What else… I think that’s it! If there’s an emergency, just call us in Thailand anytime using your own phone. No, we don’t trim his nails here.
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by Teddy Wayne (3/5/2012)
Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs: Leopards
by Teddy Wayne (2/6/2014)
by Kelly Link (1/23/2003)
RECENTLYWhen I Commented That I Was “Literally Peeing My Pants and Dying Right Now,” I Meant It
by Jen Cordery (9/22/2014)
Monologue: Glengarry, Bob Ross
by Zack Wortman (9/22/2014)
List: Differences Between Me, Teddy Wayne, and Bruce Wayne/John Wayne
by Teddy Wayne (9/22/2014)