“Slow Mercury Poisoning Giving You Amnesia and Causing You to Forget Your Mortgage Payment”

“Having Your Retinas Disintegrate From Too Many UV Rays and Finding Out the Tough Way That Your Girlfriend Is a Man”

“Phosphoric Acid Seeping Into the Water Supply, Destroying Your Teeth, Leading to Your Dentist Telling You You Need a Root Canal”

“Getting Fired for Distributing ‘Leftist Propaganda’ About the Effects of Global Warming and Losing Your Dental Coverage Just in Time for the Aforementioned Root Canal”