BY COLIN NISSAN
[Originally published January 4, 2011.]
It’s that time of year, everyone. The temperature has dropped, the snow is falling, and we’re all bundling up to stay warm. So it is now when I implore you to look through your closets and ask yourself a very important question: Is there anything in here, anything at all, that would look better on Tom? Maybe it’s a coat you haven’t worn in a while, or one that simply elicits an instinctive, “This is so Tom.”
From my previous coat drives you may remember that I’m partial to wool and goose down, I don’t love acrylic blends, however, and I’m highly allergic to acetate polymers. So please read the tags so I don’t break out in a second-hand rash. The last thing I need right now is to switch gears to an Ointment Drive.
Remember, this isn’t just about reaching into your closets, it’s about reaching into your hearts and finding me something that will go with these new burgundy linen pants, because so far I’m completely striking out.
I know what you’re thinking: If I’ve got money for new burgundy linen pants, why can’t I get my own coat? Because I didn’t buy these pants, I acquired them during the Pant Drive I held last month. I thought the burgundy would have given that away.
If you could drop the coats off to me that would be great. I would pick them up, but my recent Car Drive didn’t go so well. Coming on the heels of my Bicycle Drive, I had high hopes. I know what you’re thinking: If I’ve got a bicycle, why can’t I pick up the coats myself? Because it’s fucking freezing out, and without a coat there’s no way I’m getting on that thing.
My life is full of catch-22s like that. Like the time I held a Couch Drive before holding an Apartment Drive and had to cram a set of love seats into a room that was begging for a sectional.
Life can be so bittersweet. One minute you’re holding a very successful Cat Drive and your house is filled with companionship, the next thing you know you’ve held your third failed Cat Food Drive in a row and things get really feral really fast.
A few friends and family members have asked me why I don’t “Get off my ass and hold a Job Drive.” That’s not in the cards, unfortunately, but I’m more than happy to hold a New Friends and Family Drive. Don’t test me.
I guess people think my life is some sort of picnic. Well, it’s far from it. I’d like to see them try to hold a Taxi Fare Drive while a cabbie is screaming obscenities at them in a very spitty language.
Or how about trying to maintain a fake smile during a disastrous iPad Drive, when all your donors seem to feel that the 16-GB model is just plenty. Well it’s not plenty, actually.
Maybe all these drives are to blame for time moving so quickly these days. It’s hard to believe it’s only been three months since my wife and I held our Divorce Drive. Had it not been for the overwhelming response of the legal community, we’d probably still be living under the same roof holding Affair Drives behind each other’s backs.
I certainly don’t miss the fights we used to have, there were so many times when I was moments from holding a Vasectomy Drive purely out of spite.
If I learned one thing during all of these drives, it’s that there are no limits to how far the generosity of strangers can take us. If I learned two things, it’s that it’s incredibly difficult to navigate the timing of an Appendectomy Drive.
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