Your Money… Your Job… Your Life, With Alison Rosen
Nervous about your career and finances during this time of economic upheaval? Alison Rosen is here to help. Although she possesses neither an MBA from Wharton nor a Ph.D. in economics from MIT, she’s really good at that carnival game where you have to roll the bowling ball just hard enough so that it’ll go over the first hump but not the second. From time to time, Ms. Rosen will offer us her sage advice, as well as any quick-pick lottery numbers she has an especially good feeling about.
How to Raise Your Spirits During These Dire Times
BY ALISON ROSEN
Even the richest among us are feeling the pinch these days. I had to lay off my sous-chef’s sous-chef and direct my chambermaid to lock the expensive bath salts in the safe-deposit box. My kingdom for a sitz bath! But such drastic measures have left me feeling blue, and I know I’m not the only one. Instead of wallowing in our financial depression, here are some things we can do to lift our collective spirits.
- Draw smiley faces in the zeros on your bank statement
- Go to the U.S. Mint and hold the brand-new money
- Think about the less fortunate and how totally screwed they are right now
- Give a man a fish, you feed him for a week, but teach a man to cook for you and you have a delicious meal
- Donate your thyme to a soup kitchen
- Give to the needy: send a check to the U.S. government
- Get a pet. Studies have shown that spending time around animals trained to rifle through the purses of unsuspecting party guests can net enough petty cash to buy you a few packs of smokes and some snack cakes
- Instead of focusing on your money problems, think about all the other things in your life that are going south. How’s that sorry love life? What about your failing health? Google your aches and pains. Who cares about money? Existence is a cruel joke and we’re all going to die. Feel better?
- In the red? Think of it more as “just outside the black”
- The smell of money is both a mood enhancer and an aphrodisiac. Roll up a Washington and use it as a means to convey drugs from a hard surface to your nasal passages. You’ll feel better in no time!
SUGGESTED READSYour Money… Your Job… Your Life, With Alison Rosen: Column 1: The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Getting and Keeping a Job in This Economy
by Alison Rosen (3/25/2009)
Your Money… Your Job… Your Life, With Alison Rosen: Column 4: Poverty is Wonderful (or, Why You Should Be Grateful to Be Poor)
by Alison Rosen (9/17/2009)
Your Money… Your Job… Your Life, With Alison Rosen: Column 5: You Can Haz Rewarding Career! (or Maybe: “Use Internet Slang to Sound Relevant”)
by Alison Rosen (7/1/2010)
RECENTLYCoffee Shop Algebra
by Allen Rein (3/27/2015)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the Braxton-Hicks Contractions That Hit a Student in My First Period 10th Grade English Class
by Mr. Dickson (3/27/2015)
List: Things My Love Life and My Writing Career Have in Common
by Samantha Edmonds (3/27/2015)
POPULARList: What Your Favorite ’80s Band Says About You
by John Peck (7/5/2011)
An Honest College Rejection Letter
by Mimi Evans (3/26/2015)
Reasons You Were Not Promoted That are Totally Unrelated to Gender
by Homa Mojtabai (1/27/2015)