WoooOOOooo! I am the Dryer Sock Ghost! You’re very familiar with my work, though I seldom get credit for it! I steal your sock from the dryer! One sock! WoooOOOooo! No, it is not the work of the Sock Fairy! No, it is not the work of the Hungry Dryer! It’s me! WoooOOOooo! When I was alive, I worked for an ad agency! I was known for wearing only one sock, because I was such a creative guy! WoooOOOooo! Now I take your favorite sock out of the dryer! And I wear it! I wish you could see me, standing in your laundry room when you’re away, wearing one sock! WoooOOOooo!
WoooOOOooo! I am the Bobby Pin Ghost! WoooOOOooo! I start haunting when you bring home the Target 90-pack of bobby pins! Within a week, 90 bobby pins—gone! WoooOOOooo! How can I lose 90 bobby pins in a week, you ask! Answer: You can’t! It’s me! I hoard your bobby pins! It’s a problem! WoooOOOooo! And when you no longer need bobby pins, because you’re wearing your hair in a different style, I give back your bobby pins! Here’s a bobby pin! On the couch! There, on the microwave! Over there, in the dusty corner of the closet! WoooOOOooo!
WoooOOOooo! I am the Ghost That Kills Birds and Brings Them Into Your House! WoooOOOooo! Your cat gets total credit for this! Every time! And she accepts this credit, which is the most frustrating thing! Such a cat move! WoooOOOooo! She’s like some Hollywood producer giving her Oscar speech, when everyone knows it was the writer/director who made the movie! I am the writer/director! I killed that bird and brought it to you! Your cat has never killed anything! WoooOOOooo!
WoooOOOooo! I am the Ghost That Never Takes Out the Trash! You blame your children! But I’m the phantom culprit! I am so lazy! I should get credit for my laziness! WoooOOOooo!
WoooOOOooo! I am the Ghost That Untunes Your Guitar! You blame the wall, because you always rest your guitar against the wall! But think about it! The wall doesn’t have fingers to untune a guitar! The wall is far too simple for that kind of work! (Also, a rather bland personality, if you want to know the truth!) WoooOOOooo! My work is very difficult! The way that you play guitar, it takes a lot of untuning for you to notice when it is out of tune, if you know what I mean! WoooOOOooo!
WoooOOOooo! I am the Ghost That Smells Like Gas! All kinds of gas! Sometimes I smell like gas from your stove! Sometimes I smell like gasoline! Sometimes you will walk into the living room where your girlfriend is browsing Pinterest, and you’ll think, “Wow, she just passed some gas!” But no! It is I! WoooOOOooo! It’s just a talent I have! I was a smelly Victorian woman when I was alive! And now I can do this trick! A leaky burner, somebody’s lawnmower outside, the woman you love—they all get credit for my work! But if you ever hear someone ask, “Do you smell gas?” it’s probably me! WoooOOOooo!
WoooOOOooo! I am the Ghost That Gives Your Dog Low Self-Esteem! WoooOOOooo! Have you ever noticed your dog just lying there, and he looks up at you with eyes pooled in tears? And then he rolls over and heaves a great big sigh? WoooOOOooo! It’s not because you don’t exercise him! I have just haunted your dog! I told him the Whole Existential Deal! And his very small place in the Grand Scheme! WoooOOOooo! Turns out he thought he was the King of this place, and your job was to feed him! That’s why he was so nice to you! Because he wanted to be a good King! WoooOOOooo! But now the poor fella just wants to die from embarrassment! WoooOOOooo!
WoooOOOooo! I am the One Slice of Bacon Ghost! I haunt you when you make bacon on a weekend morning! You make twelve slices! You serve it with breakfast for the whole family! Three slices each! Your bacon is so good! Trust me, I know! WoooOOOooo! Because at some point during the meal, you get this nagging feeling that you’ve only had two slices of bacon! WoooOOOooo! Did you only have two slices? Or three? You definitely had only two! Who took your bacon? Was it your lying son? Or your greedy daughter? Or your conniving spouse? Who took it? Who? WoooOOOooo!
WoooOOOooo! I am the Ghost That Makes You Not Believe in Ghosts! That’s my role! Somebody’s got to do it! Ghosts get too much credit anyway! Do you believe in ghosts? If you don’t, that’s my work! You’re welcome! WoooOOOooo!