Communing with Nature!
BY JOHN PELS
Ah! Beautiful, beautiful Nature. How lovely you are through the augmented reality app on my iPad. Oh look! A grand and majestic oak tree. And to think, I would have passed right by you, totally unaware of your splendor, if it weren’t for this app’s nifty tree identification feature.
How can I appreciate you more deeply, Nature? How can I keep you in my mind’s eye during moments of great distress, like when my Wi-Fi at home isn’t working? What is the proper way to pay homage to your breathtaking allure? But of course! I shall Instagram your luscious bounty of greenery and rock outcroppings. There the greens will be made slightly more dramatic, the boulders made more brooding, and your allure made even more breathtaking thanks to the seductive Sutro filter.
Oh Nature, what a privilege it is to rest on the bank of your endlessly churning river with scallop-edged rapids. How I long to climb that mountain off in the distance and record a mobile video of my hike, which I could then upload directly to YouTube. But alas, I would have to cross this river and my Segway cannot ford something of such strong and swift current. It would very likely turn into a nightmare scenario straight out of The Oregon Trail.
Once again I am eternally humbled by your power and am content to sit here with my headphones on, listening to this Skrillex album. The grass sways and an enormous rainbow trout jumps, its pink hues glistening in the early afternoon light, just as the beat drops. The birds perched above me sing, their beaks moving as if to cry out, “You aaaare a cinemaaaaa. I could watch you forever.”
And it’s true! I could watch you forever in much the same way I could watch the first three seasons of Grey’s Anatomy over and over again without ever tiring. Soaking up your sublime grandeur while composing tweets about it are precious moments, and I’m thankful Verizon has coverage out here so I can share your treasures with each of my 3,344 followers. I’m sure they’ll savor it every bit as much as I do.
SUGGESTED READSI am the Orson Welles of Powerpoint
by Oyl Miller (9/16/2010)
Monologue: Microsoft Office Assistant: The Paper Clip
by Justin Kahn (4/21/2005)
Retraction: There is In Fact Such a Thing as a Virus that Puts Porn on Your Computer
by Eric Hague (7/9/2010)
RECENTLYSorry I’m Late, But This Morning’s Commute Was a Killer
by Andrew Cushing (3/2/2015)
Hungover Bear and Friends: Coming Back
by Ali Fitzgerald (3/2/2015)
My Own Private Shock Corridor: Dove Dumps and Hooch Zombies
by Bob Schneider (3/2/2015)
POPULARList: What a Straight Man’s Favorite Musical Says About Him
by Mara Wilson (2/10/2015)
Reasons You Were Not Promoted That are Totally Unrelated to Gender
by Homa Mojtabai (1/27/2015)
Jamie and Jeff’s Birth Plan
by Paul William Davies (12/26/2012)