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BY Alex Balk
Mr. Salty: Uses foul language
Cap’n Crunch: Severely disciplined for role in Tailhook scandal
Mr. Peanut: Often appears in public without pants
Ronald McDonald: Embarrassing association with serial killer/clown portraitist John Wayne Gacy
Snuggles, the Fabric Softener Bear: Shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
Rich Uncle Moneybags: Wanted in Atlantic City in connection with bank fraud, pageant-fixing
The Pep Boys (Manny, Moe, and Jack): Actually quite lethargic
Mr. Coffee: Beneficiary of a mob-established bank account at Bowery Savings Bank; used to beat up Mrs. Coffee
Jolly Green Giant: Easily misunderstood catchphrase has been the cause of several arrests for solicitation
Charlie the Tuna: Frequently wakes up in tears at three in the morning, an empty bottle of bourbon on the nightstand, cigarette butts on the floor, another girl he doesn’t recognize lying beside him. He tiptoes to the bathroom, stuffing a towel under the door to block out the sound and weeps into the sink, whispering the words “Oh God, please help me” over and over until the crying stops.
Mr. Softee: Impotent
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