Corrections to Last Month’s Letters to Penthouse Forum.
BY DAVID COPPER
In the letter “Laying Late-Night Cable,” it was misstated that “Shelly became immediately aroused at the sight of my rock-hard member straining to be free from my jeans.” In truth, Shelly’s initial demeanor would be best described as visibly uncomfortable and leery. She did not achieve a state of arousal until learning—after several awkward drinks—that performing fellatio would result in a free month of HBO and Starz.
In the letter “Three-Way Freeway,” it was implied that “Diana” begged for the opportunity to participate in sexual relations with her roommate and her roommate’s boyfriend after accidentally walking in on their “sweaty, all-night lovemaking session.” In actual fact, “Diana” was not aware of her participation in the “love sandwich” until she regained consciousness later that evening.
In the letter “Calling Dr. Love,” it was suggested that the letter writer’s “throbbing member was purple with pulsating lust” until if found release in “the warm, wet mouth of an off-duty nurse in a hospital supply closet.” The actual cause of said member’s throbbing and discolored state was an unfortunate softball-related accident that landed him the in the hospital’s emergency room. He is currently recovering from his injuries while facing harassment charges from several nurses and staff janitors.
In the letter “And Wifey Makes Three,” the letter writer stated: “My wife was eager to engage in a threesome with me and our incredibly hot 19-year-old babysitter.” The sentence should read: “My wife was disgusted, repulsed, and, in every imaginable way, opposed to the thought of engaging in a threesome with me and our incredibly hot 19-year-old babysitter.” Nor did the wife “wildly undulate” while seated on the face of the babysitter, or “moan in unending pleasure” as she watched her “superstud” of a husband give the babysitter “a good seeing-to.” The letter writer also doesn’t fight crime on the weekends from the confines of a secret underground lair.
In the letter “Rent Payments,” the letter writer described his landlady as having “the flawlessly tanned and toned body of a much younger woman” and “full, pouty lips that promised—and later delivered—satisfaction.” The landlady, in fact, does not exist. Nor does the letter writer possess “an impressive love-tool that all the ladies crave.” He did, however, totally make out with this one girl once and they were so going to do it, until his mom came home. Really.
Penthouse Forum regrets these errors.
SUGGESTED READSOpen Letters: An Open Letter to a Playboy Poster
by Kristen Lepionka (5/6/2004)
Retraction: There is In Fact Such a Thing as a Virus that Puts Porn on Your Computer
by Eric Hague (7/9/2010)
List: List of Names of People I Actually Know That Could Very Easily Be Porn Star Names, Excluding the Last One, As I Do Not Actually Know That Person
by Elizabeth Miller (4/19/2001)
RECENTLY“The Crown Will Find an Heir”: A Shakespearean Guide to the 2016 Democratic Primary
by Emily Uecker (10/13/2015)
Inside Witnesses: One Crime’s Many Narratives
by Marti Jonjak (10/13/2015)
Monologue: A Leaf Peeper Shuts His Eyes
by Matt Seidel (10/13/2015)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2015)
List: Nihilistic Password Security Questions
by Soheil Rezayazdi (10/2/2015)
Facepalm Pilot: Where Technology Meets Stupidity: An Interactive Guide to Ambiguous Grammar
by Vijith Assar (9/3/2015)