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Courses I Wish My College Had Offered.
BY OWEN MORRIS
FINAN 141: Introductory money management course. Offers a brief overview of higher-level theories such as relatives you may never have thought to ask for money, state-by-state law into just how far you can fall behind on your rent before being evicted, and getting the most for your old Magic the Gathering cards on eBay.
SPAN 301: Explanation and response to the four questions employers most commonly ask you in Spanish to make sure you weren’t lying when you put on a resume that you speak it fluently.
ENGR 244: A look into the application and design of espresso machines and specifically how to pull the shot at exactly the right time so your afternoon-shift manager at Java the Hut doesn’t yell at you.
PSYC 350: Advanced class that explores the psyche of a Ms. Emma Rein and how bat-shit crazy she turns out to be and numerous reasons why you should definitely, never ever date her.
COMM 171: Effective modes of letting friends know that you’re dissatisfied with your current menial job though you can’t express it in those words because to do so would be to admit that attending an expensive private college versus a public one was a decision based on pride rather than a rational decision.
BIOL 430: Identification of American molds of the Midwest, specifically those found in damp basements and other places where bedrooms aren’t normally located but have been hastily set-up for you since you surprised your parents by moving back in with them.
THEAT 511: This graduate-level theater writing class comparing the regionalism of Tennessee Williams minor works has been replaced with basic automotive repair.
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