Craig’s Artisanal Pickles Philosophy.
BY LUCAS KLAUSS
Hi, this is Craig, of Craig’s Artisanal Pickles. As the founder of “America’s Pickiest Picklers,” I understand that a business, no matter what size or what it makes, needs a philosophy. And since 2007, when I opened our first picklery in my hometown, Craig’s Artisanal Pickles has operated by one very simple guiding principle: God doesn’t exist, so do whatever the fuck you want.
Personally, I wanted to start a small-batch pickling company with an emphasis on high quality and unique flavors. So I fucking did. It’s amazing what’s possible when you realize just how completely nonexistent God is! All your fear and shame fall away and you are left with pure desire—in my case, the desire to create and sell the best pickled products in the whole purposeless universe.
Lo and behold, Craig’s Salt-and-Vinegar Pickles and Craig’s Hot Fresh Beets are now found in supermarkets all over America, no thanks to God. We got them there ourselves, by using the finest veggies and spices, taking time to get our recipes just right, keeping our philosophy a secret, muscling and blackmailing our way into bigger markets, and not caring who got hurt along the way. Because in the absence of a mindful creator and ultimate judge, there is no such thing as “morality.” There is only pickling—and its consequences.
Thus our philosophy gives us a tremendous advantage over our artisanal competitors, shackled as they are by obsolete notions of “Right” and “Wrong.” We donate nothing to charity, instead reinvesting all profits into our intimidatingly massive stockpile of shotguns. We have no qualms about genetically modified organisms, so our flocks of Craig’s Pre-Brined Turkeys are a huge hit at Thanksgiving. And all of our products contain a lot of nicotine.
Now, let me be clear: I maintain, as I always have, that I am not responsible for the strangulation death of Henry Pladgett, CEO of Humdinger Pickles, our former competitor. A jury of my peers came to the same conclusion, eventually. And then, a year later, a separate jury of my peers came to the same conclusion in my trial for the strangulation death of Layla Cavanaugh, CEO of Cavanaugh’s Crunchers. I am as innocent as God wouldn’t be, had He created this world of pain and mere cucumbers.
Not that it would matter if I weren’t! The world is what we make of it and then it is eternal nothingness. In the meantime, we are, each of us, potential alchemists, able to turn dirt into pickles, pickles into power, power into…
It’s been six years since my wife died. Six years since God, in a perfect demonstration of His total lack of compassion or existence, punched my entire life right in the face. Ever since, I have done exactly what I wanted to, exactly how I wanted to, and so have my farmers, pickling scientists, enforcers, saboteurs, and shotgun stockpilers. That’s why our Craig’s pickled products tasted so goddamned good, that’s why Vlasic better watch it’s motherfucking back, and that’s why I don’t give a pre-brined turkey’s ass if people don’t like our philosophy. Because, at this point, who’s going to stop us? God?
I’m Craig, of Craig’s Artisanal Pickles, and I am God.
SUGGESTED READSGod and His Begotten Son Discuss the Resurrection and the Fate of Humanity, But Through an Online Medium
by Thomas E. Spoth (12/27/2000)
Genesis, The Rollout
by Cathy McNally (7/13/2007)
List: What God Does in Her Spare Time
by Allison Kilkenny and Jamie Kilstein (4/20/2006)
RECENTLYI Failed Terribly at Creating an Approachable Down-Home Tone for a Large American Hotel Chain
by Dan Kennedy (7/31/2014)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to Busta Rhymes
by Mike Levine (7/31/2014)
Reviews of New Food
by Various New Food Tasters (7/31/2014)