Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

I just got married six weeks ago, but I have noticed that my husband’s attentions toward me have already cooled. All he does is stand there on his four wooden legs with a centerpiece in the middle of him. And when I try to talk to him, he says nothing at all. It’s gotten so that while I’m eating dinner off him I can’t even look him in the eyes, if he had eyes. I’ve tried everything—polishing him with Pledge, putting in the extra leaf. I even got him some extra chairs to spice things up. Still, nothing. What am I doing wrong?

Sincerely,
Lonely in Louisiana

Dear Lonely,

I noticed that you mentioned “eating” in your letter. You are probably too fat for anyone to love.

Best Wishes,
Miss Lonelyhearts

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts

My parents have been married for 50 years, but I recently found out that they are part of an army of genetically altered polar bears planning on taking over the Earth. Since I found out, I have had trouble trusting anyone, especially if they are a genetically altered polar bear. Will I ever heal?

Thanks,
Distrusting in Detroit

Dear Distrusting,

Well, I guess you are just judge and jury for the world. These are your parents, and if they want to take over the Earth with their mind-boggling, futuristic bear-powers, then I suggest you respect their wishes. P.S. You’re a jerk.

Regards,
Miss Lonelyhearts

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

I am writing to you about my boyfriend. He is rich, good-looking, and has an adorable German accent. There’s just one problem: he never takes me out anywhere. He claims it is because he is an international war criminal, afraid of being apprehended and brought to The Hague. He claims that he faked his own death years ago and isn’t about to blow his cover now. But I think the real problem is that he doesn’t think I’m attractive enough to be seen with. Any advice?

Best,
Self-Conscious in Santiago

Dear Self-Conscious,

I can’t believe you wrote this letter on stationery with those stupid “Love Is” characters on it. Grow up, and then maybe Hitler will take you out for dinner. Sheesh.

Warm Thoughts,
Miss Lonelyhearts

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts,

I have a confession to make. Whenever my girlfriend goes to work, I go to my next-door neighbor Rick’s house and hang out with him. Rick understands me in ways that my girlfriend doesn’t, and the way I feel around him has me wondering if I might be gay. We love watching Desperate Housewives on his Tivo and, unlike my girlfriend, Tanya, he lets me put a saddle on him and eats sugar cubes right out of my hand! We haven’t “fooled around” yet, but we are definitely having an emotional affair. I tell Rick all of my secrets, and he neighs and whinnies as if he were my best friend. Is it unusual for a 30-year-old guy to have feelings for another man?

Signed,
Confused in Colorado

Dear Confused,

If you like Desperate Housewives you are definitely gay. Also, why did you put quotes around “fooled around”? Were you actually quoting someone? May I suggest you get two things:

1. A Chicago Manual of Style
2. A life.

Hugs,
Miss Lonelyhearts