Dispatches From a Public Librarian
Scott Douglas works for a smallish public library nestled cozily between Disneyland and Knott’s Berry Farm in Orange County, California. This is where most of the observations in his dispatch will take place, although sometimes he does go to other libraries (some even far, far away), and he’ll include those observations as they come.
Scott began as a student assistant at a college library in Fullerton. After receiving his bachelor’s degree, he was bored, confused, and didn’t want to get off his parents’ insurance plan, so he enrolled in the Library Science and Information Technology program at San Jose State.
This dispatch will update on a sometimes-regular basis, and will include stories about strange patrons, strange tales, and otherwise just strange things. The names and description of the patrons are purposely left out, so as to protect their privacy (libraries are real sticklers for this privacy stuff, which is why many have been in a tiff about the Patriot Act, but don’t get me started).
Corny Library Pickup Lines, and How Librarians Effectively Shoot Them Down.
Pardon me, could you please tell me what kind of card I need to check you out?
Visa, MasterCard, or American Express.
You must have been burning books, because you’re looking hot.
My apologizes—the new Harry Potter is coming out and I was in the back burning the Newbery winners to make room for it.
Can you tell me where I can find books on overcoming a deeply passionate love I have for a librarian?
Libraries should allow food in the building, because right now I could just eat you up.
Policy is policy, but if you’d really like to change that, the appropriate forms are behind you—just drop it in the suggestion box when you’re done, and in due time it will be pulled out and set in the loser pile.
I know what I need to access the Internet, but what do I need to access your heart?
What book would you recommend to help me sweep you off your feet?
How to Divorce a Jealous Mad Person.
Can you tell me how to spell love? I’m writing a letter to you.
Do you mean the agape love, or the love you have for someone you don’t have a chance of ever getting?
Can you settle a bet? My friend says librarians have no life, but I say they’re wild beasts. Can I take you out to dinner and prove my friend wrong?
Tell your friend he’s right.
SUGGESTED READSDispatches From a Public Librarian: Dispatch 1
by Scott Douglas (12/12/2003)
Dispatches From a Public Librarian: Dispatch 2
by Scott Douglas (1/5/2004)
Dispatches From a Public Librarian: Dispatch 3: Special Movie Edition
by Scott Douglas (2/3/2004)
RECENTLYBridge Troll Associate Apprenticeship Opportunity
by Sarah Sloat (4/17/2015)
@thereal_saintfrancis_: Joyful Roars
by Nick Farrell and Rachel Farrell (4/17/2015)
Letters to McSweeney’s
by Various Letter Writers (4/17/2015)