Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
Dives Not Recognized by the Olympic Diving Committee.
Originally published July 9, 2001.
A forward double flip with one and one half twists with a half-caf half-decaf double espresso.
A forward 2 1/2 somersault while smoking a pipe and reading Remembrance of Things Past.
A back 1 1/2 somersault with 1 1/2 twists while contemplating the fleeting nature of athletic excellence.
A backward 2 1/2 somersault with 1 twist while ordering Chinese food on a cell phone.
An inward 2 1/2 somersault with 1 twist while in the sitting-on-the-toilet-reading-a-newspaper position.
A forward 3 1/2 somersault with the hand clap from the Friends theme song in a pike position.
A triple Lutz with a forward 1 1/2 somersault while wearing ice skates with a big splash.
An inward 3 1/2 somersault tuck while wearing a bulletproof vest and being shot at.
Moonwalking off the diving platform into a back 2 1/2 somersault with a crotch grab while playing the air guitar.
A forward 1 1/2 somersault while flapping arms and making airplane jokes.
A backward 1 1/2 somersault with 2 1/2 twists in the arms-wrapped-tightly- around-the-neck-so-it-looks-like-I’m- making-out-with-someone-from-behind position.
SUGGESTED READSI Am the Man Who Paints His Face With the American Flag and Goes to Olympic Curling Matches and Bangs A Cowbell
by John Warner (2/20/2010)
Results from the 24th Existential Olympics in Bayonne, New Jersey
by Jonathan Kaufman Nathan (3/4/2010)
List: Alternative Winter Olympics
by Dominique Ritter (2/12/2002)
RECENTLYNew Study Suggests Pregnant Woman Silently Yearns for Your Opinion
by Rachel Bone (5/25/2016)
Listicles For People Exactly Like You: 11 Things 59-Year-Old’s Named Karen Who Live in Newport Beach Have to Deal With
by Rufi Thorpe (5/25/2016)
Monologue: Before We Give This Big Corporate Presentation, I Need You to Smack Me in the Dick
by Jon Plester (5/25/2016)
POPULARI Would Rather Do Anything Else Than Grade Your Final Papers
by Robin Lee Mozer (5/2/2016)
List: Things the World’s Most and Least Privileged People Say
by John-Clark Levin (5/19/2016)
List: Here Are Some Fucking Barefoot Contessa Cookbook Titles
by Micah Osler (9/30/2014)