From: Miskit, James (Editorial)
To: Human Resources
Subject: Vernon Wilkes Explosion

On Friday (today is Monday) I sent dozens of e-mails saying that my co-worker Vernon Wilkes exploded on me. Yet I came in this morning to find not only that the situation had not been addressed but also that no one in human resources found it necessary to answer any of my e-mails. Please do get back to me quickly. It’s very upsetting.

James

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From: Silkes, Edna (Human Resources)
To: Miskit, James
Cc: North, Jackie; Snibble, Dave
Subject: RE: Vernon Wilkes Explosion

Good morning, James. I’ve cc’ed Dave and Jackie. I was out Friday, so pardon my ignorance. You’ll have to catch me up. Was Vernon physically abusive this time, or was it verbal in nature, as were his previous explosions? I plan to discuss his office etiquette with him this morning. Again, I apologize for not addressing this earlier.

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From: Snibble, Dave (Human Resources)
To: Miskit, James
Cc: North, Jackie; Silkes, Edna
Subject: RE: RE: Explosion

I was also out Friday.

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From: Miskit, James (Editorial)
To: Silkes, Edna
Cc: North, Jackie; Snibble, Dave; Rains, Judy
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Vernon Wilkes Explosion

No, Edna, it was nothing like the other times. I mean, he literally exploded. As in one moment he was slapping the keyboard and hollering at the computer as he usually does when OxoDatasat freezes, and the next moment he exploded, sending bits of blood and brain all over the monitor, the wall, myself, and Judy Rains, whom I’ve cc’ed. The smell is horrible. Please help! We cannot work.

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From: North, Jackie (Human Resources)
To: Miskit, James
Cc: Snibble, Dave; Rains, Judy; Silkes, Edna
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Vernon Wilkes Explosion

Very funny, James. How was everyone’s weekend?

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From: Silkes, Edna (Human Resources)
To: Miskit, James
Cc: North, Jackie; Snibble, Dave; Rains, Judy; Winters, Dale
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Vernon Wilkes Explosion

I’ve just come from the fourth floor. James is serious. Vernon’s headless body is slumped in his chair and there are bits of him everywhere. James, I’m sorry to do this, but this is not a human-resources matter, since Vernon is no longer a human but is instead a cadaver. I’ve cc’ed Dale Winters in security.

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From: Winters, Dale (Security)
To: Miskit, James
Cc: North, Jackie; Snibble, Dave; Rains, Judy; Silkes, Edna; South, Jack
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Vernon Wilkes Explosion

Rough Monday, eh, everyone? OK, this is where we’re at. I’ve checked protocol and found that security is “liable for direct threats, perceived threats, or situations that could harm or create variables with the intent to harm anyone employed and/or visiting the building.” Not only is security not qualified to handle this; because we are union, we are not permitted to involve ourselves if there is no threat of danger. The only danger, in my opinion, is OxoDatasat freezing up again, since that’s what caused Vernon to explode to begin with. I’ve cc’ed Jack South in technology to address that.

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From: South, Jack (Technology)
To: Miskit, James
Cc: North, Jackie; Snibble, Dave; Rains, Judy; Silkes, Edna; Winters, Dale
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Vernon Wilkes Explosion

I will be out of the office May 21. In my absence, my e-mails are being forwarded to Grigor Graborski at ext. 2167.

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From: Graborski, Grigor (Technology)
To: Miskit, James
Cc: North, Jackie; Snibble, Dave; Rains, Judy; Silkes, Edna; South, Jack; Winters, Dale
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Vernon Wilkes Explosion

Is no technology problem. OxoDatasat working fine.

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From: Miskit, James (Editorial)
To: Silkes, Edna
Cc: North, Jackie; Snibble, Dave; Rains, Judy; South, Jack; Graborski, Grigor; Winters, Dale
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Vernon Wilkes Explosion

People, it is now 2:15 p.m.—nearly 70 hours have passed since our co-worker Vernon Wilkes blew up at his computer. I have sent Judy and the rest of the staff home. I have wheeled Vernon’s torso down the hall to Conference Room 1 and placed a Do Not Enter sign on the door. Please, for all that is good and holy in this world, would you all stand up from your desks and physically come to the fourth floor so we can discuss this rationally?

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From: Silkes, Edna (Human Resources)
To: Miskit, James
Cc: North, Jackie; Snibble, Dave; Rains, Judy; South, Jack; Graborski, Grigor; Winters, Dale
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Vernon Wilkes Explosion

James, I don’t mean to pull rank here—and we all realize you’re having a rough day—but you do not have the authority to send co-workers home. That is a human-resources issue, and I’d appreciate it if you’d discuss it with me personally. Thank you.

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From: Winters, Dale (Security)
To: Miskit, James
Cc: North, Jackie; Snibble, Dave; Rains, Judy; South, Jack; Graborski, Grigor; Silkes, Edna
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Vernon Wilkes Explosion

Not to be a stickler, but we can’t just be leaving dead bodies in conference rooms all willy-nilly. Someone from housekeeping is liable to go in there tonight and find headless Vernon and suffer a heart attack. And that, James, is a security issue.

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From: Graborski, Grigor (Technology)
To: Miskit, James
Cc: North, Jackie; Snibble, Dave; Rains, Judy; South, Jack; Winters, Dale; Silkes, Edna
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Vernon Wilkes Explosion

Technology group reserves Conference Room 1 for 3 o’clock meeting. Anyone know who’s sleeping in there? Please advise.