BY TIM CARVELL
[Originally published October 31, 1999.]
Wear dark suit, white shirt, dark tie. Speak in modulated tones.
Undercover Police Officer
Dress as usual, only more so. Act as you usually would, only more so. Swagger.
White House Intern
Wear khakis, button-down shirt. Behave as you usually would. They’re not all like her, you know.
Wear a coat and a tie. Behave normally. What, you think they’re all ass-grabbing freaks or something? They’re not. They’re normal people, just like you and me.
Dress as you usually do. Act as you usually do. Decline to supply information about your past.
Locate grave of Douglas Fairbanks, dig up remains, attach them to self with duct tape. Behave as you imagine Douglas Fairbanks might.
Dress as you usually would. Inform people that you are dressed as a unicorn. When people point out that you look nothing like a unicorn, tell them that unicorns don’t exist, and to stop being such babies.
Drink a fifth of bourbon. With a sharp, clean knife, remove one or more limbs. Cauterize wound(s).
Shave off all body hair, cover self in amniotic fluid. Arrange to be carried around by ankles. Mingle.
Find a plastic surgeon who will make you look as much like Ned Beatty as is surgically possible. Many surgeons will refuse; keep looking until you find one who agrees. Undergo many painful operations until you are a dead ringer for Ned Beatty. Arrive at party and be mistaken for Ned Beatty, then inform your friends of what you have done. They will be amazed. It will all be worth it.
SUGGESTED READSList: The Only “Cute Couple” Halloween Costumes My Boyfriend and I Will Be Able to Use in Our Lifetimes, Because I Am 5’2" and He Is 6’7"
by Susan Howson (2/2/2007)
Monologue: And They Say You Can’t Get Any Jobs With a Philosophy Degree
by Devin Blake (10/30/2006)
McSweeney’s Halloween Tales: Yeah, I’m Muhammad Ali
by Mary Roach (10/19/2004)
RECENTLYStuff Superman Overhears: A Three-Minute Excerpt
by Thomas Wharton (5/26/2015)
Hungover Bear and Friends: Keen Eye, Kind Heart
by Ali Fitzgerald (5/26/2015)
List: Your Ex-Boyfriend Tim Won a Sweet Prize at Dave & Buster’s Because You Lurked His Most Recent Ex’s Pinterest and Six Other Ways You Are Positively Impacting Tim’s Life with Your Self-Destructive Social Media Habits
by Larissa Zageris (5/26/2015)