BY SAM BURNETT
Do I have to kill my spirit animal myself?
As a general rule, yes, at Joe’s Spirited Spirit Animal Hunt you have to kill your spirit animal yourself. In extreme circumstances, a soul mate (you must provide three tickets stubs of concerts you’ve attended together) can assist you in killing your spirit animal. This can be done by acting as a decoy so you can sneak up on your spirit animal, or by filming the killing so it can be put on YouTube. But it’s not really fair to the spirit animal if it gets ganged up on.
What can I use to kill it?
No firearms. No knives (but you can eat your spirit animal with one). Spoons are okay (but you can’t eat your spirit animal with one.) ABSOLUTELY NO FLAMETHROWERS. No cages. No injecting it with diseases. All you’re really allowed to use is the spoon and a tree branch. You can fashion the tree branch into whatever you wish.
Is my spirit animal tied to my consciousness?
Yes, your spirit animal is inextricably tied to your consciousness. It sees everything you see. You cannot sneak up on it.
How can I kill it if it can see what I see?
Use a blindfold. There’s one provided in your welcome kit. You can then poke your spirit animal with your tree branch.
That sounds like a piñata!
Are you just fleecing me out of $7500?
A small number of people do get piñatas as their spirit animal. This is not a trick though; it’s just the spirit animal they were dealt by the cosmos.
How will I know it’s my spirit animal that I just killed?
When you feel pressure in the center of your chest. It will begin as a tap first, about as hard as your firstborn’s footsteps after a bad dream as it wanders into your bedroom and crawls into bed with you (your spirit animal saw when this happened and snuggled in with its litter extra tightly that night). The pressure will slowly increase as each droplet of blood leaves your spirit animal, until you experience what Phil Collins’ kick drum must have felt during every concert (your spirit animal knew you loved Phil Collins, but it never cared). You will feel your abdominal muscles tense up and your head become weak as you see the blood pool around the motionless frame of your spirit animal. At this time your spirit animal is declared dead, and your 50% deposit to Joe’s Spirited Spirit Animal Hunt will be nonredeemable.
What words can I use to describe to
people back home how I killed my spirit animal?
“Fought to the death” is always acceptable. “Killed” is okay. We accept “murdered” but don’t like the name. "Slaughtered" is frowned upon. “Assassinated” is a grey area.
Do I have to prepare the meat myself?
Absolutely not. We have several qualified chefs on location to prepare and cook your spirit animal. All you need to do is change out of your hunting gear and tell us how you want the meat cooked.
What will it taste like?
The life experience that affected you the most will be tasted in your spirit animal’s meat. For some it’s like the first time they were Rickrolled in public. For others it’s the first time they met their spouse. Some just taste candy. That’s the piñata people again.
Can I use sauce on my spirit animal?
Yes, but other people might look at you strangely.
Other people are eating their spirit animals with me?
We can fit ten people into the dining room at each time. This number may be less if your spirit animal is exceptionally large. Joe’s Spirited Spirit Animal Hunt does hire out the dining room to groups.
Who will guard my life force
now that I’ve eaten my spirit animal?
You will need to ask someone else close to you—like a soulmate or kindred spirit—if they would mind letting their spirit animal guard your life force. Often spirit animals can handle caring for two or three life forces. This is assuming you haven’t already hunted and mounted your soul mate or kindred spirit in our sister service.
So I don’t need my kindred spirit either?
Nope. They’re actually much less important than you think.
SUGGESTED READSFAQ: The Inauguration Of George W. Bush
by Neal Pollack (1/22/2001)
Your Spirit Animal is a Tech Guy Named Paul
by James Folta (12/4/2012)
by Dan Moreau (2/19/2009)
RECENTLYWhen I Commented That I Was “Literally Peeing My Pants and Dying Right Now,” I Meant It
by Jen Cordery (9/22/2014)
Monologue: Glengarry, Bob Ross
by Zack Wortman (9/22/2014)
List: Differences Between Me, Teddy Wayne, and Bruce Wayne/John Wayne
by Teddy Wayne (9/22/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (10/20/2009)
A Generic College Paper
by Jon Wu (9/19/2014)
Best Joke Ever: Mitch Hedberg: Hippie Martian Zen Genius
by Mark Peters (8/28/2014)