Send your list submissions to email@example.com.
Embarrassing Things That Might Happen to You While Using a Lightsaber.
You turn it on while holding it backwards.
You make that sharp crackling noise with your mouth each time you clash it with your opponent’s lightsaber—having forgotten that the noise happens naturally.
You’ve given in to the Dark Side of the Force, so the beam is normally red. But you forget to replace the weak batteries in the thing, rendering it pink, and turning you into the laughingstock of the Empire.
You try to use it to cut your birthday cake, expecting the lightsaber to slice through the pastry as easily as it did Luke’s hand. Instead, the cake vaporizes the instant the lightsaber touches it, à la Obi-Wan.
You mistake it for a Popsicle.
SUGGESTED READSThis One’s a Keeper: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
by Jude Walsh (4/28/1999)
List: Lines of Star Wars Dialogue If Obi-Wan Kenobi Had Been Really, Really Depressed
by Greg Knauss (7/9/2001)
List: All of Chewbacca’s Dialogue in the Comic Book Version of The Empire Strikes Back
by Brian McMullen (9/3/2002)
RECENTLYThe First Friendsgiving
by Chris Brotzman (11/25/2014)
Not So Timeless After All: Freeman, Corduroy
by Ilana Masad (11/25/2014)
List: Honest Thanksgiving Cards
by Cetoria Tomberlin (11/25/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
Why You Should Not Have Broken Up With Me, According to Various Critical Theories
by Tommy Wallach (11/3/2014)
The Boy from Jurassic Park’s College Application Essay
by Julia Drake (11/12/2014)