Teddy Wayne is the author of the novels Kapitoil and The Love Song of Jonny Valentine.
BY TEDDY WAYNE
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, unless you’re using this new premium honey-flavored vinegar. Have you tried it? It’s incredible − you’re expecting a sour, vinegary taste, but then you’re hit with this explosion of sweetness on the tip of your tongue, and you think, “Jesus, did I accidentally mix honey into olive oil for this salad dressing?” and you recheck your condiments shelf and deduce that, in fact, you did absentmindedly spoon some Hawaiian honey into your dressing, so then you wash out the dressing jar and refill it with olive oil and the honey-flavored vinegar, and it’s not quite as sugary as before, but it’s different, at least, and you recognize that getting overexcited for a new kind of salad dressing probably suggests there’s some essential lack in your life, and you think about that for a while as you chew your salad and watch a Two and a Half Men rerun.
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