[Originally published January 4, 2012.]

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January 1st

Wake up and shake off that hangover, sleepyhead! Take a deep breath and smile. This is the first day of the rest of your life! (The rest of your life, of course, will be 354 days long.)

February 14th – Valentine’s Day

Love is in the air! Also, you’ll notice that there are no honeybees, for some reason. Where did they all go? And what do they know that you don’t?

April 1st – April Fools’ Day

We’ve just spoken to some top scientists, and apparently the Mayan calendar was totally incorrect! There’ll be no apocalypse. You’ll get to live a nice, long, healthy life.*

*April Fools! You’ll be dead in exactly 263 days.

May 1st

Today, make a list of the 25 places you always wanted to see. Got em? Okay, now cross off 20.

May 5th – Cinco De Mayo!

Here’s a quick Spanish lesson to help you celebrate: En siete meses, mi vida será una pesadilla tenaz. (Translation: In seven months, my life will be an unrelenting nightmare.)

June 21st

The first day of summer! Grab some brewskis and head for the beach! Wait, does the sun seem closer to anybody else? It’s probably hard to measure that sort of thing, but the sun definitely seems bigger or hotter or something.

July 4th

The Founding Fathers never could have guessed that we’d have our independence for exactly 236 years before the earth imploded in a terrifying inferno. Lucky for them, they’re already dead. God bless America!

August 15th

Today, you should go to your local grocery store and buy as much bottled water as you can. Make sure the cashier doesn’t know where you live, though, or you can bet he’ll come looking for it when all the Earth’s water is on fire.

August 16th

Today, head back the grocer’s and stock up on canned tunafish. You’ll need that protein to nourish your ever-weakening arms when all the fish of the world are on fire.

September 20th

Seems like the bands of looters are becoming more ruthless, huh? Today, take fifteen minutes to visualize killing a home-invader with your bare hands so you won’t hesitate when the time comes. Because the time absolutely will come.

September 26th

[Elaborate blueprint of a man-trap.]

October 31st

Happy Halloween! Don’t even think about opening the door tonight. In fact, now is as good a time as any to barricade the doors and windows.

November 2nd

What the fuck was that noise? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT NOISE?!

December 20th

On this second to last night of Earth, you, the reader, and I, the professional-calendar-man/survival expert, are connected. As you gaze down at these words, our hearts beat as one and, though we’ve never met face to face, in a very real sense, we have shared something. A year of laughs, a year of tears, a year of elaborate homemade boobytraps and DIY weaponry. In this world with no future and and a quickly-fading present, a connection is all we have. Tomorrow is your last day. Spend it with someone you love.

December 21st

If you don’t have someone to love and if you live near the Denver area, please send a full body pic to endofdays69@aol.com. I have five spare gas masks and an industrial-sized vat of sexual lubricant. Good luck.