BY AVERY MONSEN and JORY JOHN
[Originally published January 4, 2012.]
Wake up and shake off that hangover, sleepyhead! Take a deep breath and smile. This is the first day of the rest of your life! (The rest of your life, of course, will be 354 days long.)
February 14th – Valentine’s Day
Love is in the air! Also, you’ll notice that there are no honeybees, for some reason. Where did they all go? And what do they know that you don’t?
April 1st – April Fools’ Day
We’ve just spoken to some top scientists, and apparently the Mayan calendar was totally incorrect! There’ll be no apocalypse. You’ll get to live a nice, long, healthy life.*
*April Fools! You’ll be dead in exactly 263 days.
Today, make a list of the 25 places you always wanted to see. Got em? Okay, now cross off 20.
May 5th – Cinco De Mayo!
Here’s a quick Spanish lesson to help you celebrate: En siete meses, mi vida será una pesadilla tenaz. (Translation: In seven months, my life will be an unrelenting nightmare.)
The first day of summer! Grab some brewskis and head for the beach! Wait, does the sun seem closer to anybody else? It’s probably hard to measure that sort of thing, but the sun definitely seems bigger or hotter or something.
The Founding Fathers never could have guessed that we’d have our independence for exactly 236 years before the earth imploded in a terrifying inferno. Lucky for them, they’re already dead. God bless America!
Today, you should go to your local grocery store and buy as much bottled water as you can. Make sure the cashier doesn’t know where you live, though, or you can bet he’ll come looking for it when all the Earth’s water is on fire.
Today, head back the grocer’s and stock up on canned tunafish. You’ll need that protein to nourish your ever-weakening arms when all the fish of the world are on fire.
Seems like the bands of looters are becoming more ruthless, huh? Today, take fifteen minutes to visualize killing a home-invader with your bare hands so you won’t hesitate when the time comes. Because the time absolutely will come.
[Elaborate blueprint of a man-trap.]
Happy Halloween! Don’t even think about opening the door tonight. In fact, now is as good a time as any to barricade the doors and windows.
What the fuck was that noise? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT NOISE?!
On this second to last night of Earth, you, the reader, and I, the professional-calendar-man/survival expert, are connected. As you gaze down at these words, our hearts beat as one and, though we’ve never met face to face, in a very real sense, we have shared something. A year of laughs, a year of tears, a year of elaborate homemade boobytraps and DIY weaponry. In this world with no future and and a quickly-fading present, a connection is all we have. Tomorrow is your last day. Spend it with someone you love.
If you don’t have someone to love and if you live near the Denver area, please send a full body pic to email@example.com. I have five spare gas masks and an industrial-sized vat of sexual lubricant. Good luck.
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