[Originally published December 4, 2007.]

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BACHELORETTE: OK, here it is. This is kind of a strange question. Let’s say you wanted to ask me out on a date. But you can only, like, compare me to a body of water. And here’s how you have to say it, like this: You have to say, “Your mind and you are our ‘blank.’” You have to, like, fill in the “blank” with a body of water.

BACHELOR NO. 1: Blank?

BACHELOR NO. 2: Hold on, what’s this?

BACHELOR NO. 3: Oh, the sons and daughters of “Roosenfeld” have been struck hard by these long decades of usury, if it’s come to such abominable theft and stupidity! Nix!

BACHELORETTE: OK, listen. It’s weird. You have to fill in the blank with a body of water. Like, “Your mind and you are our Lake Michigan.” Like that, OK? So, beginning with Bachelor No. 1, what do you think? You’re asking me out on a date …

BACHELOR NO. 3: (Sputtering.) “Lake Mich …” Ack! Nix! Nix on it!

BACHELORETTE: Now, Bachelor No. 3, wait your turn. Bachelor No. 1?

BACHELOR NO. 1: I’d say, “Your mind and you are our Miami Beach.” Because that’s, like, where we’d go.

BACHELORETTE: And what would you do with me once you got me there?

BACHELOR NO. 1: I’d rub you down with suntan lotion.

BACHELORETTE: Sexy. OK. Bachelor No. 2.

BACHELOR NO. 2: Heh. OK.

BACHELORETTE: OK, you want to ask me out on a date. You have to say, “Your mind and you are our ‘blank.’” Now you have to pick a body of water.

BACHELOR NO. 2: I’ve been thinking about this.

BACHELORETTE: Just go ahead and pick the first thing on your mind, Bachelor No. 2.

BACHELOR NO. 2: I’ve been thinking about this and I guess I’d have to say, and this is weird, but I’d have to say, “Your mind and you are our Sargasso Sea.”

BACHELOR NO. 3: (Stunned silence.)

BACHELORETTE: Whoa. Bachelor No. 2, what made you pick such a romantic-sounding body of water?

BACHELOR NO. 2: Yeah, because, like, I don’t know. Because maybe it’s exotic, like, full of life?

BACHELORETTE: Oh, I like that, Bachelor No. 2.

BACHELOR NO. 3: Oh! Sputter! Damnable theft!

BACHELORETTE: Shush, now, Bachelor No. 3.

BACHELOR NO. 2: But really, I don’t know. It just sounded good.

BACHELORETTE: Bachelor No. 2, you must be very creative.

BACHELOR NO. 2: Yeah, I don’t know.

BACHELORETTE: Very groovy.

BACHELOR NO. 2: Yeah.

BACHELORETTE: OK, Bachelor No. 3, I know you’re “rarin’” to go, so let me repeat the question for you real quick, OK? You want to ask me out on a date, using only the following words: “Your mind and you are our …” and then a body of water. What do you say, Bachelor No. 3?

BACHELOR NO. 3: (Silence.)

BACHELORETTE: Bachelor No. 3, you’re asking me out on a date. Do you want me to repeat the question?

BACHELOR NO. 3: (Silence.)

BACHELORETTE: Bachelor num …?

BACHELOR NO. 3: Shut up, goddamn you! Let me think about this!