BY RIVER CLEGG
[Originally published October 18, 2012.]
Q: What are female voters?
A: Female voters are like male voters, but they tend to be smaller on average. They can also give birth.
Q: How long has this been going on?
A: Passage of the 19th Amendment in 1920 guaranteed American women the right to vote.1
Q: What issues do female voters find important?
A: Standard things (economic recovery, national security), but also female things (health care, education).
Q: I don’t understand the distinction.
A: It’s hard to explain. The second category just seems more girlish. Hollywood may be to blame.
Q: You mentioned babies. How do I attract female voters who have children?
A: Good question. Were there any single mothers in the last eight generations of your family? You’ll want to talk about them, a lot. You should also publicly acknowledge how difficult and important child-rearing is, particularly if you’re trying to make it financially impossible to do so.
Q: And if they don’t have children?
A: Bond with them over a long weekend in Tuscany.
Q: Do females running for office stand a better chance of attracting female voters?
A: Perhaps. So far, however, most female candidates have been unable to consolidate women into a single voting bloc.
Q: Why is that?
A: Some female voters simply preferred the male alternatives. Wacky, yes, but true.
Q: Can you give a little more background on female voters in general?
A: Data suggests that the average American female is 39, thin, uptight and married to an overweight husband who just thought up a fool-proof scheme to win the lottery, but he’s going to need a lock of everyone’s hair.
Q: I’m sorry?
A: Also the boss is coming over for dinner.
Q: Fine. What about ethnicity? Does that play a role in female voters’ decisions?
A: Another good question—the answer is yes. Let’s say you’re talking to female voters about health care and education, but you notice they’re Latino. In that case, make sure to say immigration a few times, along with fair, common-sense and spicy.
Q: What kinds of things should I avoid saying around female voters?
A: Anything bad about Robert Redford.
Q: Is there anything else I should know?
A: If you’re going to start a war on women, make sure the press does not label it as such. This cannot be stressed enough.
1 Historians routinely place the 19th Amendment among their top ten amendments.
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