ACT ONE

(First published July, 2006)

[ Scene: A Malibu party. MEL GIBSON is sitting alone, minding his own business, thinking about how to market his upcoming film Apocalypto.]

BARTENDER

Good evening, sir.
What kind of scotch would you prefer?

MEL

Fill my glass with water
For it’s the stuff of life.
Other drinks can cause you
Immeasurable strife.

BARTENDER

I didn’t hear.
Can I get you a nice cold beer?

MEL

No beer for me, thanks.
I’m on the wagon now.
Just another ginger ale
Is all that I’ll allow.

BARTENDER

You said vodka, yes?
Ketel One would be my guess.

[BARTENDER sets scotch, beer, and vodka on bar in front of MEL.]

MEL

Events, I fear, are not going precisely like I planned;
I do my best to limit my misdeeds.
But then I feel that cruel fate has got the upper hand.
There’s a kind of man who follows just where the bottle leads.
There’s a kind of man who understands the sustenance he needs.
There’s a kind of man who can’t predict that, when he’s pricked, he bleeds.
And I—yes, I—am that kind of man.

[MEL drinks the scotch, beer, and vodka. MEL acts witty and charming to a series of young blonde women. Three hours later, MEL leaves the party.]

VALET

Oh well,
Oh wow,
Mr. Gibson, I don’t know if I should cry or bow.

Oh no,
Oh man,
In the entire world I might be your biggest fan.

Oh geez,
Oh please,
I’m not sure at any rate that you should have your keys.

[VALET gives MEL his keys. MEL drives off.]

MEL

I drive in a car.
A car can take you far.
It gets you there much quicker
When you’re tanked on liquor.

Cars, cars
They pick you up from bars
Cars, cars
The rules aren’t for stars.

No one can deny
That gas prices are high.
But I would be a liar
To say that I’m not higher.

Cars, cars
They pick you up from bars
Cars, cars
The rules aren’t for stars.

[ A police car pulls MEL over. Two OFFICERS, one male and the other female, ask him to step out of the car.]

MALE OFFICER

Holy Old Jerusalem!
Is this Mel Gibson here?
I haven’t been this thrilled
Since the Schindler’s List premiere.

MEL

How dare you rough me up?
What is the occasion?
You’re not acting much
Like a Latin or Caucasian.
Don’t tell me. Let me guess.
You’re of the Judaic persuasion.

MALE OFFICER

What? I’m shocked.
I know that you are blasted.
But Mr. Gibson, please—
I’m truly flabbergasted.

MEL

Hey there, Jew.
Let’s not start a war.
You’ve started every one.
Don’t do it anymore.

FEMALE OFFICER

Come on, buddy.
None of that talk.
Please try again
To do that straight-line walk.

MEL

I am a man of power.
I have had gigantic hits.
Don’t make this my darkest hour.
Have some mercy, sugar tits.

OFFICERS

Well, we never.
Now we’re both appalled.
The newspapers and networks
Must now be called.

[ The OFFICERS call the newspapers and networks, who report MEL’s outburst. A firestorm of bad publicity ensues. A contrite MEL realizes what he’s done.]

MEL

Oh my God, my Christian God,
I’m screwed beyond belief.
In vino may be veritas
But it also can cause grief.

I just can’t behave smart
When I’ve had a drink.
Still, have you seen Braveheart?
I was great, I think.

[ Various JEWISH HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVES come forward to condemn MEL’s statements.]

JEWISH HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVE #1

Can you believe this alter cocker?
He thought he was such a macher.
Hollywood, meet your John Rocker.
For shame, Mel, for shame!

JEWISH HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVE #2

This schmuck, this star of Chicken Run,
We built him up and now he’s done.
We’ll ship him off to Terrebonne.
For shame, Mel, for shame!

JEWISH HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVE #3

My aunt died at Terezienstadt.
She’d never forgive if I forgot.
He shot his mouth off, he got caught.
For shame, Mel, for shame!

[MEL calls a press conference and defends his record.]

MEL

I’m not an anti-Semite
I’ve even worked with M. Night.
He’s a Jew!
He’s a Jew!
I know that he’s from India,
But they have Jews there, too.

[MEL enters rehab. The JEWISH HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVES agree that they will help him repair his relations with the Jewish community. MEL embraces them, grateful for their understanding. He then steps forward and delivers a passionate ballad about his plans to set things right.]

MEL

When this abysmal nightmare ends
I’ll do my best to make amends;
I’ll remake Mad Max as Mad Milt
I’ll learn to live with Jewish guilt;

I’ll study Torah; I’ll wear glasses
That mask my handsome face.
I’ll condemn whoever harasses
That brave and brilliant desert race.
I’ll spend my lonely days and nights
Interpreting the Hebrew Bible.
I’ll even have them pull the plug
On Lethal Weapon 5: Blood Libel.

Why did I blurt out those awful things that night?
I wish I could say why.
I wish I could say why.
But I’ll do anything it takes to set things right.
Go on The View and cry.
Go on The View and cry.
When it comes to the Holocaust, the facts will now apply.
Papa, can you hear me? I’ll no longer deny.
I’ll eat my every sandwich on real Jewish rye.
I’ll work hard at fixing things, because Arbeit Macht Frei.
I’ll even make a buddy film with the Curb Your Enthusiasm guy!
(You think it’s fun to work with him? Well, Jesus Christ, you try!)

[MEL delivers on his promises, more or less, starring in Driving Mr. Del, a remake of Driving Miss Daisy. In the film, he plays Del Hudson, a Hollywood star who loses his license after a drunk-driving rampage and is forced to hire Shmuel Fertummelt (Adam Sandler), a young man with anger issues of his own, as his chauffeur. The movie is released at Hanukkah 2007 and grosses $183 million. Fade out.]

- - - -

ACT TWO

(Originally published July, 2010)

[ Fade in. Four years later, much has changed for MEL. He has divorced his wife Robyn and taken up with the Russian pianist and singer Oksana Grigorieva with whom he has a daughter, Lucia, in October 2009. In April 2010, the couple reveal that they have split up, and each files a restraining order against the other, after which tapes are leaked that include many scenes of MEL berating and belittling Oksana Grigorieva. The MEDIA has a field day with the MEL GIBSON tapes.]

MEDIA

Who doesn’t have an inside voice?
Who never fails to scream and yell?
Who threatens women with his fists?
All together: Mel, Mel, Mel!

Who hurts the ones he loves the most?
Who acts like Satan down in hell?
Who treats his girlfriend like his dog?
All together: Mel, Mel, Mel!

Who peppers conversations with
Vicious racist rhetoric?
Who wishes that his girlfriend dies
In a house fire? Sick, sick, sick.
Who uses words like weaponry
And conversations like a rape?
No need to guess, America—
We have the man right here on tape.

[MEL calls a press conference to dispute the charges.]

MEL

I have nothing to say.
What I say is misread.
Do I wish that Oksana
Was beaten till dead?
Did I say she should blow me
While I burned down her house
Because she got implants
That filled out her blouse?
Do I hate most women
Like a burning-hot sun?
Do I classify them
Either as whore or nun?
Have I gone past the point
Where I make any sense?
Does my sheer existence
Now occasion offense?
I come here before you
To explain this today.
How the women and Jews
And black people betray
What humanity is
Also what it could be
I thank you for your time
I hope that you agree.

[ The MEDIA stares at MEL. Their mouths are open. Flies fly in and out, a little confused why the mouths aren’t closing. MEL stares out at the MEDIA and then drops his papers and runs to the airport, where he takes the first flight to Australia. A few months later, MEL stars in Two Boomerangs, a romantic comedy about an uptight American businessman (Gibson) and his Aboriginal guide (Everlyn Sampi). Reception is mixed (Variety: “Mel-Re-Bourne.” Hollywood Reporter: " Gibson, Girl: Sad Sacks." Onscreen, MEL tries to act light, but his rage is barely concealed; when the film is shown in IMAX, it is not concealed at all.]