Francis Heaney’s Lipogrammatic Consumer Guide.
A REVIEW OF BECK’S “MIDNITE VULTURES,”
USING ONLY THE LETTERS IN “BECK: MIDNITE VULTURES.”
It’s… indiscreet. It’s like, “dick, dick, dick; smut, smut, smut; vice, vice, vice; slut, slut, slut.” Seductive Beck is Mister Luv. Is Beck music’s kinkiest librettist ever? Beck, it seems, desires submissive bimbette mistresses under seventeen, dressed in slit miniskirts, derriere unveiled. But I’d surmise nine men in ten lust like Beck lusts; it isn’t eccentric.
Is “Midnite Vultures” sick? It’d incite tics in numbskull Bible Belt residents, sure, but it isn’t sick, it’s slick. Slick like crème brûlée, dude, believe me. “Midnite Vultures’” eclectic music revels in its ebullient leisure-suit-‘n’-sideburns seventies vibe. Never mind its tunes’ intermittent mindlessness. I like it.
A REVIEW OF THE CURE’S “BLOODFLOWERS,”
USING ONLY THE LETTERS IN “THE CURE: BLOODFLOWERS.”
Oh, Lord. “Bloodflowers,” where the out-of-touch Cure tell us, “Toodle-oo, fellow brotherhood of scowlers, we’re bored.” Well, we’re bored too. Cheerless, self-obsessed Robert S. broods for the whole dull CD. Heretofore, Cure records were sorrowful, sure, but so short of soul? The wretched “Bloodflowers” follows Robert S.’s Rules of Order to the letter: Be blue, show oodles of woe, use two or three chords, flow too slow, blow out the subwoofers.
The Cure’s obsolete subculture’ll doubtless feel the CD’s cool, but the rest of the world should flee. Flee! Flee the terror of “Bloodflowers”! The CD’s worth lots of four-letter words, but we’ll be less rude; so, to close: Show “Bloodflowers” the cold shoulder. Blecch.
A REVIEW OF XTC’S “WASP STAR,”
USING ONLY THE LETTERS IN “XTC: WASP STAR.”
XTC’s art: strata apart. “Wasp Star’s” wax trax attract rapt cats: A+
A REVIEW OF BELLE & SEBASTIAN’S
“FOLD YOUR HANDS, CHILD, YOU WALK LIKE A PEASANT,”
USING ONLY THE LETTERS IN “BELLE & SEBASTIAN:
FOLD YOUR HANDS, CHILD, YOU WALK LIKE A PEASANT.”
SUGGESTED READSReviews of My Daydreams
by T.G. Gibbon (1/11/2000)
Those Heady Days Are Behind Us Now: A Review of Bicentennial Man
by Paul Maliszewski (1/24/2000)
Actual Reviews Posted on amazon.com by Me, in Utter Slack-Jawed Ignorance of the Books Involved, and with Grammatical Errors Intact
by Tim Church (2/7/2000)
RECENTLYSocial Media Intern Wanted at The Night’s Watch
by Chris Brotzman (6/24/2016)
Inside Witnesses: One Crime’s Many Narratives: Christian and Collin Face the Gunman
by Marti Jonjak (6/24/2016)
List: Business Ideas Sparked By My Passion for Drinking Monster Energy Drinks
by Alexa Loftus (6/24/2016)
POPULARList: Obituaries for Teenage Girls If They Actually Died When They Say They’re Dying
by Karen Chee (5/26/2016)
List: Things the World’s Most and Least Privileged People Say
by John-Clark Levin (5/19/2016)
No, I Don’t Dislike the New Ghostbusters Movie Because I Hate Women — It’s Because I Strongly Believe In Hollywood Finance Reform
by Samuel Priest (6/15/2016)