Gilgamesh, King Of Uruk In Babylonia (2700 B.C.), Responds To Advertising’s Biggest Questions.
How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
Who is this “Tootsie” you speak of—the one that you ask me to lick, roll, and pop? The great Gilgamesh is part human, part god. He is the king of the great city of Uruk. This city is fortified by huge walls and the finest mason work in all the world. The stories of my exploits are carved in lapis lazuli at the base of Uruk’s great gates. The tales of my … Where was I? Oh, Tootsie. I will fight anyone, anytime, anywhere.
Wouldn’t you really rather have a Buick?
If I am not mistaken, Buick is beyond the mountains of Uruk, where the trickling streams of the great Euphrates are slowly amassed. Would I like to have Buick? Certainly. The more land in possession of a king, the more of a king he is. I will prepare myself for battle and take this land—Buick.
Where’s the beef?
Why? Did someone take my beef? Was it those Buickites? Perhaps beef is a type of currency for them. They came, stole my beef to gather their fortunes, and are now preparing to enlarge their armies, overtake Uruk, and attempt to defeat Gilgamesh. I had better get on it right away. Where are my boots?
Pardon me. Do you have any Grey Poupon?
You seem very concerned with what the great Gilgamesh has in his possession. I have no idea what a poupon is. But, since a king owns everything within the walls of his realm, if there is a single grey poupon running around there, it is most certainly his.
Hey! How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?
If I am not mistaken, you have just challenged the powerful Gilgamesh to a fight. Perhaps you have not heard the name Gilgamesh nor heard tales of his battles. (I advise you to check out the cool stories on those lapis-lazuli tablets I mentioned earlier.) For, if you had heard of my battles, you would most certainly tremble at my feet and quiver at the mere sight of my shadow. My guess is you are not from around here. Perhaps you are from the land of Buick. Perhaps that is why you are asking me all these questions about my possessions. Are you here to swipe more beef?
Can you hear me now?
Ah, you are clearly coming to your senses. You have run and hid yourself, wondering if the great Gilgamesh can hear your tiny whimpers. Yes, scaredy-cat, I can hear you now.
Is it live or is it Memorex?
Is this your response to my taunts? You bring in simple proxies—bigger men than yourself to do battle for you? Have you not heard tales of my great battle with the ferocious demon Humbaba the Terrible, guardian of the Cedar Forest? My good friend Enkidu and I faced down this horrific demon. (Some say I was frightened of the demon and hid. Really, I thought I had lost my wallet in the forest and was searching for it before some demon stole it. Honestly.) Anyway, the battle lasted many hours. In the end, I had Humbaba on his knees with my sword at his throat. Enkidu wanted me to lop his head off. I was concerned about getting blood on my brand-new boots. We argued a bit … Oh, where was I? Yes—I will take on your largest competitors—Live or Memorex. Let me look them in the eye and cause their brows to quake. If I have to I will, as you say, “lick, roll, and pop” them.
Have you had your break today?
Do you really want to know? Let me tell you how I will take my "break"—I will break each and every one of your warriors in half—first your Live, then your Memorex. Following that, I will capture a grey poupon and ride it to your kingdom of Buick, where I will hawaiian-punch your Tootsie and gather all of your virgins and take all of my beef back. I will then return, victorious, to Uruk, where I will, once again, be honored as the hero that I am. Finally, I will get out my little carving kit and carve this story into the lapis-lazuli tablets at the front gate. It takes a delicate hand, but is well worth the effort.
SUGGESTED READSTranslated Thoughts And Questions That Are Running Through A North Korean Refugee’s Mind When He Is Awarded Political Asylum In The United States, Settles Down, Turns On The Television, And The First Thing He Sees Is A Fancy Feast Cat Food Commercial
by David Aldridge (4/26/2005)
The First Draft of My New Bud Light Commercial
by Dan Moore (3/19/2010)
Mouthwash Commercials Taken To Their Logical Conclusion
by Mike Richardson-Bryan (3/13/2006)
RECENTLYSenior Year is Totally Gonna Rule Because After That My Life is Going to Be an Endless Abyss of Longing!
by Lane Moore (5/24/2013)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the Hot Canadian Zumba Teacher Who Pulled Me Onstage After My Mother Died
by Christine Schrum (5/24/2013)
The 49ers: Oral Histories of Americans Facing 50: The 49ers, #119: Kathryn Harrison
by Rob Trucks (5/24/2013)
POPULARI Would Like to Be Pope
by John Ortved (2/25/2013)
Monologue: I’m Comic Sans, Asshole.
by Mike Lacher (6/15/2010)
Nate Silver Offers Up a Statistical Analysis of Your Failing Relationship
by Jory John (2/26/2013)