God’s Resignation Speech.
BY LUCAS KAVNER
I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people I live above, as your God. People who know me know that besides faith and family, nothing’s more important to me than the world I created in seven days. Serving her people is the greatest honor I could imagine in the world. The one that I created, I mean, as God.
Earth’s mission?—to contribute to the Universe. It’s really strategic IN the universe as the air crossroads OF the universe, as a gatekeeper of the universe. Bold visionaries knew this: Earth is a really important planet. This planet, blessed with air, water, wildlife, minerals, New Jersey, AND oil and gas. It’s energy, you know what I mean? EN-ER-GY. I gave you energy.
So to serve the Earth is a really intense responsibility, because I know in my soul that Earth is of such import in our very volatile universe. And you know me by now, I promised a couple thousand years ago to show MY independence… that’s why I rested on the seventh day. That was foreshadowing.
All in all, I think pretty much everyone can agree that I did my job to the best of abilities. My Earth accomplishments speak for themselves. I worked tirelessly for the Earth. Think of all the great stuff I’ve made in my time as God:
- The Renaissance
- Mario Batali
- The iPhone
People rag on me a lot. I mean a lot of people love me, but generally I get a lot of flak. It’s pretty insane—my staff and I spend most of our day dealing with other people’s PETTY grievances instead of progressing our planet now. I know I promised no more “lording as usual,” but THIS isn’t what anyone had in mind for EARTH.
Generally, I now think I can do more for the planet as just a guy who used to be God instead of the guy who currently is God, you know what I mean by this? Life is too short to compromise time and resources… it may be tempting and more comfortable to keep your God-head down, plod along, and appease those who demand, “Sit down and shut up,” but that’s the worthless, easy path—that’s a quitter’s way out. You can’t sit down and shut up when you’re God, which is why when I’m not God anymore, I can stand up and do other stuff, like not doing stuff, which is also important, yes?
And besides, a problem in our country today is apathy. It would be apathetic for me to just hunker down and “go with the flow.” So by stepping down as God I’m avoiding the flow, which makes me a better God. This makes sense for a lot of reasons, reasons of which I will not go into now for fear of giving in to pressure. And I am not one to “give in to pressure from other people.”
I’m not really a “person” anyway.
So, as of tomorrow, my assistant Ashley will step in as God. I think it is obvious she will carry out my duties admirably and goodly. And it is my promise to you that I will always be standing by, ready to assist. We have a good, positive agenda for Earth.
In closing I’d simply like to repeat the words of General MacArthur, a great, big General of the United States Army many years ago. He said, “We are not retreating. We are advancing in another direction.”
And that’s exactly what I am doing here today.
SUGGESTED READSA Hot Air Balloon Captain Addresses His Crew On The Eve Of A Very Important Hot Air Balloon Race
by Pat Kewley (9/7/2010)
Orations of a Pre-Postcolonial Oompa Loompa to His Revolutionary Brothers in Arms
by Marissa Medansky (9/3/2010)
The Gravity Foundation Addresses Merge/Sort Junior High School
by Carol Magary (1/20/2000)
RECENTLYLet’s Tidy Up This Sex Dungeon!
by Teddy Wayne (3/5/2015)
Field Notes from Gentrified Places: The Blocks Beautiful
by Vinson Cunningham (3/5/2015)
List: Headlines From My Dismal Lifestyle Blog
by Eileen Consedine (3/5/2015)
POPULARList: What a Straight Man’s Favorite Musical Says About Him
by Mara Wilson (2/10/2015)
Reasons You Were Not Promoted That are Totally Unrelated to Gender
by Homa Mojtabai (1/27/2015)
Joni Mitchell Applies for a Tenure Track Philosophy Position
by Jedidiah Anderson (2/9/2015)