Great Uncle Pappy’s Expert Advice About Women.
How to Pick Up Women
“The best way to pick up women—besides the chop ’n hoist, of course—is to bend your knees, reach around them, clasp your fingers together, and then—this is important—lift with your legs, not your back.
“If they’re too heavy, it’s easier to pick up only one woman at a time—think about it—and much easier with the aid of a simple machine, such as a lever—you know, like a jimmy bar or something—or inclined plane—that’d work, too.
“Once up in the air—are you writing this down?—the woman—you don’t have a pencil? Here use this—the woman will—yes I know it’s not a pencil, I made it—will express her distress, because you probably do not know her, and she definitely does not know you—no I don’t have any paper, either, just memorize it then.”
How to Maintain Eye Contact
“Just keep your finger there. Be persistent, though. Most women—I know it’s ridiculous—don’t like being touched in the eye—women, right?”
How to Get Into a Woman’s Heart
“If there’s one thing you should know about women—listen—it’s that the way into a woman’s heart—are you listening?—the best way into a woman’s heart is through invasive open-heart surgery.
“Once you’re there, you’re good, but, for Christ’s sake—and for your sake, too—making the first incision—that’s a fancy French word for ’cut’— without seeming—or maybe it’s Spanish—without seeming too desperate—alright, I’m not sure where ‘incision’ comes from, but I’m pretty sure it means ’cut’—takes practice—or maybe it means ‘sandwich’.
“If you’re too eager to cut—bring me my almanac, I want to look this up—into the flesh just under—oooh, check out this picture of the moon—just under her clavicle, you may come off as a weirdo—or worse, two weirdos. That’s bad. You’ll probably also get tried for assault, but that will only get her attention. And with women, all attention is good attention. Except for bad attention. You don’t want that kind of attention.”
How to Take a Woman’s Breath Away
“Jumping up and down—hear me out—up and down on a—please, hear me out—on a woman’s lungs is the most sure-fire way to take her breath away—understand now?—that, or a powerful vacuum with a detachable mouthpiece.
“I recommend the lung-jumping, especially though, because they don’t make detachable mouthpieces for vacuums.”
How to Sweep a Woman Off Her Feet
“The clear way to sweep a woman off her feet—and this I helped develop—is to steal the keys—you may have heard people call me “Ol’-Feet-Sweep-Pappy”—the keys to your dad’s Zamboni ice sweeper—what? You’ve never heard anyone call me that? Yeah, me neither, but it sounds right.
“These are your good-luck keys, so now you’re set to go get a sturdy broom, look her in the eye—or eyes if she still has both—and sweep her off her feet with it. Oldest trick in the book—besides the chop ’n hoist, of course.”
How to Become a Woman’s
Knight in Shining Armor
“If you want—and you do—to become a woman’s knight in shining armor, you should—actually, nevermind, this one’s real hard. Don’t try it. Or do. Either way works for me.”
How to Fill a Woman With Joy
“Joy is the—stop squirmin’, it’s rattling my prostate, actually, hold that thought, I gotta take a whiz…
“Now where were we? Okay, listen, this is important—Joy is the best thing to fill a woman with, although other dish soaps such as Dawn or Palmolive will suffice.”
How to Make it So a Woman
Can’t Live Without You
“If you want—ow, ow, get up for a second, you’re hurting my knee, oof, what was I saying? Ughh, what was I saying? Oh yeah—if you want to get to the point where a woman can’t live without you—which has both its pros and cons, mostly cons, okay fine, literally only cons—graft your circulatory systems together while she’s sleeping. It’s a tricky operation, but hell, if I could do it, so can you.”
SUGGESTED READSFamous Writers’ Cosmo Tips
by Priya-Alika Elias (9/20/2012)
Another Example of the Illuminating Correspondence Between John Hodgman, Professional Literary Agent, and His Cousin, One ‘Josh,’ Who Aims to Be a Man of Letters
by John Hodgman (1/31/2000)
Josh Has No Idea How Much Some Writers Would Pay for the Advice He Gets for Free from John Hodgman, Professional Literary Agent. But Because Josh is His Cousin, John Provides His Guidance Happily, if Thanklessly
by John Hodgman (4/12/2000)
RECENTLYHitler Dinner Party: A Play
by Bob Odenkirk (9/30/2014)
List: Here Are Some Fucking Barefoot Contessa Cookbook Titles
by Micah Osler (9/30/2014)
Interviews With People Who Have Interesting or Unusual Jobs: Zhanna Slor: Dying Isn’t Cheap
by Suzanne Yeagley (9/30/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
A Generic College Paper
by Jon Wu (9/19/2014)
My Grading Scale for the Fall Semester, Composed Entirely of Samuel Beckett Quotes
by Matt Bell (8/31/2012)