Trendy apartment, in an area close to an area sort of near the center of a city very similar to the city where you are attempting to stay. Located just steps from an advertisement for hip art galleries and stylish shopping, and literally in the middle of a bustling nightclub, surrounded by barbed wire fencing and the undeniable sense that you should keep a close watch on your personal belongings.

If you like the outdoors, the roof of the apartment has a child-sized hole in it. If you like the indoors, the refrigerator is almost completely airtight. If you like Armenian dance music until three in the morning, this will be your perfect home away from home.

You can walk to a train station in 15 minutes, unless you prefer to walk along paved roads, in which case it will take slightly more than a day. You can also walk to a bus station, but the buses stopped running in 1974. I have extra transit tickets in my desk drawer, next to the loaded handgun, inside the DVD case labeled SECRET RECORDINGS OF PREVIOUS GUESTS. You are welcome to them.

The apartment has a bedroom with a king-sized space where a bed ought to be. There is also a living room with a family living in it and a kitchen containing three full toilets and a bag of ice. Be warned that the ice sometimes melts. There is a half-bath (previous renters stole the other half) and a front door that does not lock. I will provide two sheets (one will be clean), a dish towel, and a sharpened stick you can use for catching your dinner. Do not store anything in the freezer. It will immediately catch fire.

My washer and dryer are located in aisle 7 of the home improvement store three blocks away, between the butcher and the petting zoo. You are welcome to use the garden in the back of the building. Do not touch any of the plants, as they are all highly poisonous, including the one that has the box with the apartment key under it. This key is for the building next door, whose fire escape you can use to access the apartment.

The code to the box with the key is my birthday, which you can find without too much difficulty if you are a skilled Internet searcher. The apartment has free and reliable WiFi, until my neighbors are captured. The wireless password is in the window seat, underneath Grandma. If you would like tips on how to spend your time in the area, the linen closet is filled with unsold copies of my self-published guidebook. Some listings may be out of date. Others may be traps. Be aware of your surroundings at all times.


Thermostat-Controlled Hair Conditioner
Elevator In Nearby Building
Handicapped Person Accessible and Included


— There is no breathing in my apartment, as I am very allergic. You may breathe on the back patio.

— Ignore the screams coming from inside the clothing hamper.

— The pillows are only for show.

— By agreement with my downstairs neighbor, please do not walk on the floor.

— Do not call police for any reason.

— Place all trash in your luggage.

— Ignore the hobos.


“The apartment was exactly as described except for the address and the odor of death that permeated throughout. I was initially alarmed by the blood on the walls, but it did not stain my clothing. Owner responded quickly to emails.”

“Despite the warnings of the teenagers loitering outside the building, I was not murdered during my stay. Aside from finding myself stuck to one of the walls and unable to free myself for days, I enjoyed my visit. Owner responded quickly to emails.”

“WiFi connection was spotty. Wife was kidnapped by bandits. Owner responded quickly to emails.”

“Owner left fruit basket for us to enjoy upon arrival. However, the items in the basket turned out not to be fruit. Could not find the extra transit tickets promised in listing. Had to swim home. Otherwise excellent. Owner responded quickly to emails.”

“Satisfactory stay except for multiple crocodile bites. Listing should mention multiple pet crocodiles living in the bathtub.”

Response From Owner: “Only one of the crocodiles is a pet, and the bathtub is not part of the apartment. Thank you for your feedback. I think you left a finger in the sink. I will send it via post.”