[Originally published July 30, 2008.]
Horatio thinks he saw a ghost.
Hamlet thinks it’s annoying when your uncle marries your mother right after your dad dies.
The king thinks Hamlet’s annoying.
Laertes thinks Ophelia can do better.
Hamlet’s father is now a zombie.
The king poked the queen.
The queen poked the king back.
Hamlet and the queen are no longer friends.
Marcellus is pretty sure something’s rotten around here.
Hamlet became a fan of daggers.
Polonius says Hamlet’s crazy … crazy in love!
Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Hamlet are now friends.
Hamlet wonders if he should continue to exist. Or not.
Hamlet thinks Ophelia might be happier in a convent.
Ophelia removed “moody princes” from her interests.
Hamlet posted an event: A Play That’s Totally Fictional and In No Way About My Family
The king commented on Hamlet’s play: “What is wrong with you?”
Polonius thinks this curtain looks like a good thing to hide behind.
Polonius is no longer online.
Hamlet added England to the Places I’ve Been application.
The queen is worried about Ophelia.
Ophelia loves flowers. Flowers flowers flowers flowers flowers. Oh, look, a river.
Ophelia joined the group Maidens Who Don’t Float.
Laertes wonders what the hell happened while he was gone.
The king sent Hamlet a goblet of wine.
The queen likes wine!
The king likes … oh crap.
The queen, the king, Laertes, and Hamlet are now zombies.
Horatio says well that was tragic.
Fortinbras, Prince of Norway, says yes, tragic. We’ll take it from here.
Denmark is now Norwegian.
Available in print with
The Best of McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
SUGGESTED READSList: Titles of Various Reviews of Hamlet
by Jeff Sims (2/11/2003)
Macbeth and Macduff Get Into an Argument Over Semantics
by Raphael Bob-Waksberg (4/9/2010)
List: Status Updates Since My Mother Became My Facebook Friend
by Scott A. Harris (7/31/2009)
RECENTLYAnonymous Hacks Aunt Patty’s Facebook Profile
by Sam Vesti (7/31/2015)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to That Mother at the Park With Those Perfect Daughters
by Ashley Lefrak (7/31/2015)
List: Meta Grocery List
by Chris Vander Kaay and Kathleen Fernandez-Vander Kaay (7/31/2015)
POPULARNobel Prize Winner Peter Higgs Regrets Fielding Your Physics-Based Dungeons and Dragons Questions
by Mark Rooke (7/8/2015)
Bay Area to Standard American English Translator
by Louis Weinstein (7/28/2015)
Toddler Discipline Made Easy
by Julie Vick (7/14/2015)