It’s tough to believe it’s only been a year since you joined the family. Who would have thought when we went out for a family dinner at Applebee’s a few months ago that our waitress would end up being our new mom? Certainly not me! But that’s life, I suppose. One day you’re telling someone that you did not, in fact, order the Nachos Nuevos and that maybe she should write down what people are ordering instead of just nodding her head and then the next thing you know that person is walking around your house telling people who have lived there a lot longer than you have that bedtime is now at 9 o’clock. Go figure.

So happy first Mother’s Day. Well, I guess waiting on all those customers was sort of like being a mom, but those people probably weren’t told that they have to call you Mommy (and not the more accurate yet now prohibited Waitress Mom or Lady Who Couldn’t Get A Simple Order Right But Now Thinks She’s Suddenly In Charge Of Running Everyone’s Life.)

Anyway, seeing as how this is Mother’s Day, I thought maybe this would be a good time to go over some of the duties associated with your new title. As it appears that the maternal instinct doesn’t automatically kick in after one agrees to marry an emotionally confused middle-aged man who has a history of making rash decisions, please allow me to help flesh out this exciting new chapter in your life.

To begin, mothers generally leap into action when one of their brood is injured. A child’s welfare is at the forefront of their concern. So, when someone trips on his own cleat and goes crashing into the goal post during an important playoff game, the proper response is to rush the field with Band-Aids and a juice box. Barely concealed laughter and an unhelpful “Walk it off, Pelé” hardly suffices.

Also, mothers generally take an interest in their children’s schoolwork. They will often sit at the table and help out on a homework assignment or class project. Seriously. If you don’t believe me, ask around. Others will surely tell you that math actually does serve some purpose and that “No one gives a crap about this stuff” is not a valid answer to any problem set.

Birthdays: I do have one.

Now I realize that, for this mother gig, you have little to draw on beyond your prior work experience, but I’m technically your child now, not a customer. As such, when we have a disagreement, we will talk about it and compromise until we have reached a resolution. That is what mothers do. They do not hawk a loogie in someone’s milk when they think no one’s watching. That is what Applebee’s waitresses do.

Finally, mothers tuck in at night. They don’t restrain. There’s a difference and it’s an important one.

So a lot to think about on your special day.


P.S. Don’t think for a second that I didn’t notice that brochure for Lil’ Officer and a Gentleman Military Academy lying on the kitchen table last week. Just try it, lady. I’ve bagged bigger game than some waitress with big boobs and a bad attitude.