“Have You Ever
Eaten a Baby?”
Ah, the celebrity interview. Those fuzzy segments in which winsome starlets and strapping leading men chuckle their way through the same hackneyed questions about their latest shlocky movies and their dopey relationships with other strapping starlets and winsome leading men. Watching these stupid kissyfests, I have often wondered why nobody ever asks the one question that is always front and center in my mind:
“Have you ever eaten a baby?”
Not that you’re going to get an honest answer. Because even if, say, Kirsten Dunst has eaten a baby or two in her time, she’s probably not going to cop to it. Why would she? When it comes to something like that, she’s got everything to lose and nothing to gain (except for a few pounds—only kidding, Kirsten).
I recently culled through hundreds of episodes of Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight, and Extra. Can you guess how many times the subject of buying and eating human babies came up? If you guessed zero, you’re correct. Not once did Pat O’Brian or Mary Hart ever look his or her subject square in the eye and ask those six simple words.
Are you really going to tell me that bad-boy Colin Farrell has never once dined on chicken-fried baby? My IQ may be 87, but I’m not stupid.
Because when you really stop and think about it, who are the people most likely to eat babies? The people who can get away with it, right? And in this country, who get away with whatever they want? Celebrities. Ergo, if baby-legs are being dusted in flour and fried over medium heat (and I’m not saying they are), best check the 90210 zip code to hear the sizzle.
Consider, for example, Regis Philbin. Avuncular, jocular, good-hearted Regis Philbin. Who would ever suspect him of being a closet baby-eater? Nobody. Which is exactly my point.
The same goes for Tom Selleck, Vanna White, and country music star Trisha Yearwood. In fact, if you conduct a Google search of “Trisha Yearwood” and “baby-eater,” you will get ZERO hits. Not one. Which raises the question: who removed all the references to Trisha Yearwood’s eating babies?
Believe me, I am not saying that all these fabulous people eat babies. Chances are better than fifty-fifty that they don’t. All I’m saying is that if babies are being downed like so many Dunkin’ Donuts Munchkins, it’s probably the richest and most powerful among us who are doing the downing. After all, poor people can’t afford black-market babies. Not in today’s economy.
Of course, the problem extends far beyond the glitzy confines of Hollywood. Consider the ongoing Democratic Presidential debates. We hear a lot about taxes, homeland security, the situation in Iraq. We hear very little about whether or not the candidates have eaten or continue to eat babies. In Washington, this is what is known as a “credibility gap.”
Were I running for the nation’s highest office, I would want voters to know my position on eating babies. Which is why it strikes me as a touch odd that all of these so-called “leaders” are willing to discuss their personal marijuana use, but not one has come forward to say whether or not he has ever devoured one of our most vulnerable citizens. Why not?
Media critics often discuss the cozy relationship between Washington and Hollywood, but when that relationship becomes a quid pro quo baby-eating conspiracy, I think it’s gone too far.
As a celebrity myself (very famous) I feel it’s my duty to bring this issue to the table. Not because I want to ruin anybody’s career, but because I want to further my own. Think about it—every celebrity has an issue, right? This could be mine. Nobody else is doing it, and the potential for publicity is endless. A few possibilities:
1. The Michael Ian Black Las Vegas No-Limit Poker Showdown to Fight Celebrity Baby-Eating.
2. The Michael Ian Black Palm Springs Chocolate Chip Cookie Cook-Off to Stop Assholes like Willie “I’m Hungry for Baby” Nelson from Devouring Our Nation’s Youth.
3. The Michael Ian Black Supermodel Invitational Maui Tan-A-Thon and Slurpee-Drinking Luau to Stop the Entire Cast of Friends from Doing You-Know-What to You-Know-Who at Brad and Jen’s Incredible Beach House.
Inevitably, the question will be asked: “Michael, you’re a celebrity. You’ve been to more than your fair share of glamorous Hollywood barbecues. Have you ever eaten a baby?” And when that time comes, when Katie Couric finally gets the guts to ask me that question, I will take a deep breath and answer the only way I know how: “No comment.”
SUGGESTED READSFun With Names
by Tom Ruprecht (5/5/2000)
In Regard to Surviving in a World With James Caan
by D. J. Kirkbride (1/17/2005)
When Dakota Fanning Travels To Spain For A Junior Semester Abroad, She Will Take Full Advantage Of The Experience
by Sarah Walker (2/7/2005)
RECENTLYWanted: Holiday Husband
by Julie Daniel (11/21/2014)
How to Find Love: Lessons from an Old Maid: An Unfortunate Series of Unrequited Crushes
by Connie Sun (11/21/2014)
Open Letters: An Open Letter to My Beloved Woolly Armpits
by Jennifer Burns (11/21/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
Why You Should Not Have Broken Up With Me, According to Various Critical Theories
by Tommy Wallach (11/3/2014)
A Small-Scale Organic Farmer Wants You to Know a Few Things
by Claire Boyles (10/20/2014)