Hi, It’s Vince for the Victory Towel!
BY ADAM BOZARTH
[Originally published June 16, 2009.]
Attention, Oceania. The Two-Minute Product Demonstration will begin soon. Please gather toward the telescreen to see the latest product to help all citizens of Oceania keep a tidy flat. Please welcome, from the Ministry of Quality, Vince.
Hi, it’s Vince here with a doubleplusgood product! Have you become unrelaxed with a doublebusy lifestyle? Have mandatory hours at the Community Center kept you from your cleaning duties? Is your Victory Mansion covered in dirt and other uncleancrime?
Then you need the Victory Towel! Brought to you by the people who have produced all of your basic necessities, the Victory Towel is a towel! But not only a towel—a doubleplustowel!
Watch as the Victory Towel absorbs its plusweight in liquids! Are you seeing this, comrades? You can clean your floor, your dish, your telescreen, your speakwrite. Anything covered in uncleanliness is clean. Cleanliness is strength!
Now, let me just pour some Victory Coffee onto the carpet. This is going to leave an unclean mark! Just dab with the Victory Towel and the Victory Coffee comes right up! I didn’t even spill any Victory Coffee! No Victory Coffee has even touched the carpet! Uncleanmarkcrime is a thing of the past! And we control the past, comrades, so that we may control the future.
Sound confusing, it’s just doublethink! We’ll tell you what’s true. And what is true is that the best, ultragood towel is the Victory Towel.
The Victory Towel is made in Airstrip One, and Airstrip One always make good stuff. Utilize the Victory Towel after your shower. When you’re done, throw it into the makeclean. What was dirty as a prole is back to superclean!
Oceanic troops on the Floating Fortress use the Victory Towel as a towel!
But you don’t have to take my word for it comrades! Just listen to Big Brother!
ALL CITIZENS OF OCEANIA ARE REQUIRED TO USE THE VICTORY TOWEL IN ANY LIQUIDCRIMES OR UNCLEANMARKCRIMES! CLEANLINESS IS STRENGTH! ALSO, I HAVE USED THE VICTORY TOWEL MYSELF AND I COULD NOT BEAR TO LIVE WITHOUT IT! DEATH TO EURASIA!
Your life is dull and boring anyway, so you might as well get a Victory Towel! Hurry to your necessities supplier to pick up a Victory Towel! Commodities of the Victory
Towel are down from three towels to two towels per citizen, so act fast! I can’t be on the telescreen all day, or else I’ll be vaporized.
And if you act now, we’ll throw in a bonus Victory Towel! That makes a ration of TWO TOWELS per citizen! We raised it from one, because we are the greatest of all superstates! We control the past, and your towels!
Suffer from liquidcrime no more!
This concludes the Two Minute Product Demonstration. We shall return in a few days with another product from the Ministry of Quality, comrade Billy Mays. Do not question. Ignorance is Strength, not cleanliness.
SUGGESTED READSList: Great Literature Retitled to Boost Website Traffic
by Mike Lacher (5/27/2010)
Lit 101 Class in Three Lines or Less
by Ben Joseph (6/16/2008)
List: Discarded Titles for George Orwell’s 1984
by Jez Burrows (1/24/2005)
RECENTLYHere at Cline Family Country Cabin, We Do Things a Little Differently
by Jeremiah Tucker (10/31/2014)
Facepalm Pilot — Vijith Assar Explores Intersections of Technology and Stupidity: Are Zombies Racist?
by Vijith Assar (10/31/2014)
List: Things a Real Estate Agent Shouldn’t Say When Trying to Sell a House That Was Once at the Center of a Popular Horror Movie
by Kerreanna DiMauro (10/31/2014)
POPULARIt’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers
by Colin Nissan (9/23/2014)
Security Questions for Single, Childless People
by Shannon Reed (10/3/2014)
List: Boat Parts or Names of Unvaccinated Children?
by Grant Pardee (10/6/2014)