Hieronymus Bosch Reviews Slayer’s 1986 Album,
Reign in Blood.
Fucking Slayer, dude! These guys are fucking hard-fucking-core!!! I’m, like, seriously dude.
Fucking insane! “Angel of Death”?? REALLY?!? Did you fucking hear this fucking song?? Holy shit, dude. This shit is fucking insane.
I am, like, holy shit. I fucking swear it, dude. These guys are… Jesus, like, hard-fucking-core fucking metal. There just ain’t nothing like it.
DUDE. Fucking SLAYER, DUDE!!!
Oh my god this shit fucking RULES. Kerry King? Yeah, he’s a fucking god. A fucking god of fucking death. A death god of fucking metal, dude. And… and… and fucking Lombardo? Dave Lombardo? Holy shit. Dude. The man is like a fucking portal from Hell. You fall into this fucking hole and Dave Lombardo fucking bashes your brains out the whole fucking way down. Holy shit.
Okay, these guys are, like, so fucking metal but they’re fucking old school and that’s just fucking bad ass. I mean, you think my shit’s fucking hard core? Nah, dude: fucking Slayer.
Okay, so my shit was all “Hell” and shit, like, people fucking dying and devil dogs fucking eating babies and shit and fucking Beelzebub being fucking insane, but DUDE. These guys are my fucking paintings set to fucking music! I mean, I can draw Hell but these motherfuckers bring it fucking forth, dude.
They write songs about the fucking Nazis! That shit is fucking intense, dude! I mean, the fucking Nazis were INSANE, and fucking Hitler was like, King Captain Insane! The fucking Archduke of Insanity, leading the fucking people of Germany on a fucking roller coaster shitstorm of fucking nuts that no motherfucker could make up on the fucking spot. And Slayer? Yeah, they fucking write songs about that shit!!! That’s like their fucking muse, dude! That’s hard-fucking-core!
God dammit I wish I had this shit in the fucking Netherlands back in the day. These guys would’ve fucking changed the world. For real, dude.
God, our shit is weak compared to fucking Slayer, dude. Seriously. Instead? Yeah, fuck, I get Franco-Flemish fucking polyphonic vocal bullshit that no one fucking understands but it’s supposed to make us fucking dignified or some shit, whatever. Yeah right, fuck that. Like, just the fucking word “Flemish” is all… like, fucking lame, dude. It’s all like, “Mehhh, I’m a fucking Flemish, mehhh.” It just sounds fucking stupid, but yeah if we, like, had Slayer we’d be called something else… fucking… “Killdozers” or something. “Grundors.” Nah, two r’s: “Gründorrs”, with a fucking umlaut over that shit.
Fucking “Raining Blood”???!!!!
OH MY GOD this shit is INSANE!!!
This is seriously me, dude. These guys are, like, my fucking brain. It’s like they saw how I see shit and how I think and they fucking made a fucking song out of it. Holy shit.
That’s it, I’m starting a fucking band. These guys have fucking done it for me. I can’t fucking believe it, dude. I’ve never heard anything this fucking bad ass in my entire life. I’ve seen my whole fucking city burn to the fucking ground and it wasn’t as fucking hardcore as this shit.
Nah, dude: This shit is my fucking city burning down. It’s the fucking sound of calamity, dude! Like, there’s some fucking calamity going down and Slayer’s on the fucking spot, fucking narrating that shit with their fucking metal. Like, “Hey, hello? Fucking Calamity here and I’ve brought my friends from Slayer and we’re here to fuck your shit up, dude!”
God damn. These guys fucking rule.
Awww, what? That’s it? Fucking done? Awww, dude. That was fucking amazing. Fucking Slayer, dude. Holy shit.
SUGGESTED READSList: Defunct Youth Group Metal Bands
by Chadd S. Johnson (10/6/2000)
List: A Lesson Learned in Life… Known From the Dawn of Time: By My Recollection, the 25 Most Confusing Pantera Lyrics
by Chadd S. Johnson (7/9/2001)
List: Song Titles by Judas Priest, Modified to Reflect an Alternate Reality in Which the Band is Obsessed with Members of President Jimmy Carter’s Cabinet and the 1985 American League Eastern Division Champion Toronto Blue Jays
by Steve Huey (4/16/2002)
RECENTLYI Would Rather Do Anything Else Than Grade Your Final Papers
by Robin Lee Mozer (5/2/2016)
List: Member Benefits of My Woman Card
by Darcy McMurtery (5/2/2016)
My Own Private Shock Corridor: My Ontological Argument: Part 1 — Shadow of a Doubt
by Bob Schneider (5/2/2016)
POPULARList: Titles of Bach Chorales, as Translated By My Niece After One Semester of German
by Nolan Bonvouloir (4/15/2016)
How to Negotiate a Raise (If You’re a Woman)
by Maura Quint (4/15/2016)
Here Are the Times I Am Typically Free to Meet
by Joe Saunders (4/18/2016)