In order to cure a hangover, one must of course first be drunk enough to attain a hangover. This is the fun part! No need to be your normal, responsible self! Get after it! If someone says, “You should really slow down,” pat them reassuringly on their shoulder and say, “Do not worry about me, I know exactly what I’m doing.” Then grip their shoulder for support as you vomit to the left of their shoes.
But don’t go home yet! Usually you keep a list of Life Rules in your breast pocket, one of which reads, “If you vomit in public, you must take yourself home.” Not this time. You have some serious work to do if you want to be sufficiently hungover to get the maximum results from the hangover cure. That way, you can react as though you were in an infomercial and say, “Wow, this hangover cure really works!” Then give the thumbs up to no one in particular. Other rules on your Life Rules list include, “Go home if you catch on fire, even if it’s just a little bit.” And “Don’t let the dentist make you feel bad about not flossing as much as you should.” Rip these rules up! Even if you’ve laminated them!
Now that you’ve been jolted awake at 6 a.m. because the alcohol has started to withdraw from your body, creating a shock to your system, you may start with the hangover cure. First, let yourself have that half-second when you don’t know where you are or what happened last night. Try and hold on to this moment of blissful ignorance. Once everything comes flooding back, you may berate yourself appropriately. For example, “I cannot believe that I vomited to the left of Andrew’s shoes. I am such a gross jerk.”
Having made peace with your actions from the night before because you’ve decided to write Andrew a handwritten apology note, it’s time to get up! You have conveniently passed out in all of your clothes on the top of your bed, so there’s no need to think about getting dressed or to spend extra strength removing heavy layers of bed sheets. Keep your eyes closed and feel for the ground with one foot. Once you have located the ground, put your other foot down and slowly raise yourself up to a hunched position, eyes still closed. Through closed eyes, locate the nearest lit lamp, which should be easy, as you neglected to turn any of them off the night before. Open your eyes and stare directly into the bulb for forty-five seconds.
Drop to the ground and roll over to your refrigerator, keeping your eyes open. This will maximize your spinning experience. Ideally, you’ll have to roll down stairs, but not everyone is wealthy enough to have stairs and that’s OK. Once you reach your refrigerator, stand up quickly so as to get a head rush. Make sure that you have stocked the fridge the night before with the following items: One quart of tomato juice, two quail eggs, a bottle of Worcester sauce, three chicken apple sausages, a pint of Guinness and an airplane size bottle of tequila. Put all of these items in their entirety in a blender, plus ice, and blend for ten minutes. Put your ear as close as possible to the blender so the sound really enters your head. Pour the substance into a martini glass and drink it while listening to Rammstein’s “Du hast” at full volume. Refill until you have drunk it all.
Note how sick you feel. Indeed, ten times sicker than you felt when you first woke up.
Now turn off all the lights, take off your clothes, vomit up the substance, brush your teeth, strap an ice pack to your forehead, lie in bed under a feather duvet with a hot water bottle by your feet and put on your Sounds of the Ocean CD. Note how much more pleasant you feel than a few minutes ago. In fact, you would venture to say that you are cured! Give a weak thumbs up to no one in particular, take seven Advil and go back to sleep.
Repeat as necessary.