The holidays are finally over and your body is tired. You’ve drunk every drink and eaten every meat — even the jerkies. It’s time to re-center and get healthy. Here’s a seven-day detox menu plan to get your mind balanced and your body in shape.

Day One

  • 7 am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature castor oil, take dump.
  • 8 am: Post-dump herbal tea
  • 10 am (breakfast): Blueberry and almond smoothie, whoops, time to take another dump!
  • 11:30 am: Coconut water to rehydrate from the dump.
  • 1:30 pm (lunch): Salad with carrot and ginger dressing.
  • 4 pm (snack): A handful of mixed pumpkin and sunflower seeds — oh god, run to the nearest bathroom, dump.
  • 6 pm (dinner): Dump, broccoli and arugula soup, dump.

Day Two

  • 7 am (or upon rising): Glass of room temperature castor oil.
  • 8 am: No time for herbal tea, as dumping.
  • 10 am (breakfast): Raspberry and rice milk smoothie, drunk on toilet, because dumping.
  • 1:30 pm (lunch): Teriyaki dump chicken and steamed dump greens.
  • 4 pm (snack): Miso soup with watercress.
  • 6 pm (dinner): Pea and basil dump.

Day Three

  • 7 am (or upon rising): Ideally by day three you’ll need only look at the glass of castor oil to stimulate your bowels and dump.
  • 8 am: Dump.
  • 10 am (breakfast): Dump.
  • 11:30 am: Dump.
  • 1:30 pm (lunch): Dump.
  • 4 pm (snack): Dump.
  • 6 pm (dinner): Steamed dump.

Day Four

  • 7 am (or upon rising): No dump?
  • 8 am: Where’s the dump?
  • 10 am (breakfast): This is getting weird.
  • 11:30 am: Just going to wait around for it.
  • 1:30 pm (lunch): Nothing.
  • 4 pm (snack): Miss dumping like an old absent friend.
  • 6 pm (dinner): Tiniest dump in the world, but cry tears of joy.

Day Five

  • 7 am (or upon rising): Stomach size of pearl onion, cannot stomach more than one pearl onion.
  • 8 am: Herbal tea, dump out pearl onion whole.
  • 10 am (breakfast): One salmon egg.
  • 11:30 am: Dump out two salmon eggs. Creepy.
  • 1:30 pm (lunch): Miso soup.
  • 4 pm (snack): Dump out miso soup. Curious, as it comes out in an intact bowl. How did bowl enter dump?
  • 6 pm (dinner): Discover that you can dump out any food you want, in any container you want.

Day Six

  • 7 am (or upon rising): Dump out bottle of castor oil.
  • 8 am: Herbal tea (dumped out in a copper mug).
  • 10 am (breakfast): Think about blueberry and almond smoothie, and it comes out of your magical butthole in a milkshake glass.
  • 11:30 am: Make some phone calls.
  • 1:30 pm (lunch): Friends come over for impromptu lunch. Serve them mixed greens with steamed salmon, olive oil & lemon juice, dumped out on china.
  • 4 pm (snack): Serve a full English tea, dumped out on a tiered silver platter.
  • 6 pm (dinner): Teriyaki chicken, brown rice, steamed zucchini, dumped out with a lit candelabra and a white tablecloth.

Day Seven

  • 7 am (or upon rising): Open a restaurant in your home.
  • 8 am: Serve children dump breakfast of Belgian waffles and strawberries.
  • 10 am (breakfast): Serve mushroom and leek frittata dump for ten. Point out to patrons how dump is cruelty-free and sustainable.
  • 11:30 am: Visit from health Inspector.
  • 1:30 pm (lunch): Implore him to try your dump caramel-braised pork belly banh mi, which critics are calling “a revelation.”
  • 4 pm (snack): Sadly receive an F grade.
  • 6 pm (dinner): Close restaurant, end detox cleanse.