Send your list submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
How to Tell If Your Employer Has You Under Surveillance.
A maintenance worker climbs a ladder in your cube, evidently to check a light fixture or heat duct. After he climbs back down, he calls someone on his cell phone and says, “Roll ’em!”
You walk past the security desk and one of the guards, pointing at you, says to another, “If it weren’t for that guy, I wouldn’t have a job.”
One afternoon, you overhear some security guards talking about the “best of” you tape they’re running at night.
A window pops up when you log on to your PC that says “Employee Tracker On.”
In a meeting of your section, management announces that it has ways of finding out employees who misappropriate company property and who misuse work time. Everyone turns and looks at you.
A portrait of your CEO appears on your wall. You are told everyone is to get one, but no one else ever does. The eyes seem to follow your every move.
There has been a window washer on a scaffolding outside your sixth-floor window looking in at you every day for the last month. You’ve taken to nodding to each other. He stopped pretending to wash the window after the first week, and now just stares in at you. You wonder what became of the blinds.
Your boss calls you into her office and asks you to show her the Smith file. You explain that you accidentally left it in the men’s room, where you just were. She hits a key on her PC, looks at her monitor, and says, “Yeah, it’s there.”
You turn to introduce yourself to the new employee who is moving into the vacant cube across the aisle from you. It’s Gordon Liddy.
At your desk, you write a resignation letter. You go immediately to H.R. to hand it in and they tell you they received it 10 minutes ago.
SUGGESTED READSList: The Emperor Has No Cortex: One Hundred Percent True Quotes From My Former Hollywood Bosses
by Patrick Thomas (8/20/2001)
Virtual Sherpa®: Your Guide to the Right Career in the High-Tech Workplace of Tomorrow
by Chris Bachelder (11/19/2004)
List: Things I Cannot Say to My Unpaid Interns As It Would Make Me Look Like an Ungrateful Bitch
by Amy Adoyzie (5/4/2005)
RECENTLYThe Pagan Origins of Valentine’s Day
by Kathryn Doyle (2/12/2016)
List: Some (More) Things That are Worse Than Being Alone on Valentine’s Day
by Ali Garfinkel (2/12/2016)
Inside Witnesses: One Crime’s Many Narratives: Chris Loses Kevin Outside
by Marti Jonjak (2/12/2016)
POPULARList: Alternatives to Resting Bitch Face
by Susan Harlan (1/25/2016)
Jamie and Jeff’s Note to the Babysitter
by Paul William Davies (1/13/2016)
Eight Excuses I Have Told My Son to Use for His Failure to Hand in English Homework, Excuses I Have Learned are Acceptable During a Thirty-Year Career in Journalism, Books, and Film
by Nick Hornby (2/5/2016)