H.R. 2918: An Act to Guarantee Permanent Legal Residential Status to Gabriela Vasquez of Tucson, Arizona.
BY RIVER CLEGG
Whereas, the system by which immigrants are admitted into the United States is inefficiently and inconsistently implemented in a state-by-state manner, and whereas many of those immigrants who have gained illegal entry to the United States nevertheless contribute to the nation’s economic growth and vitality, and whereas the breathtaking Gabriela Vasquez is perhaps my one chance at happiness,
SEC. 1: Resolved, that permanent legal status shall hereby be granted to all non-legal residents of the United States, unless you don’t think that stands much chance of passing both chambers, in which case,
SEC. 2: Resolved, that all I’m really after here is Gabriela Vasquez of Tucson, and that she, being an upstanding and productive member of her community with a beautiful baby daughter and a twelve-year-old son who just doesn’t know me well enough yet, deserves the opportunity to live as a legal resident of the United States.
SEC. 3: Resolved, that after taking the following into consideration, the committee chair favors an immediate vote on this legislation without amendment.
General Overview of Enjoyable Times Gabriela Vasquez and I Have Had So Far, with Brief Outline of Potential Future Outings.
a) Chili’s, December 14, 2010.
1) After I picked her up in my new casual snap button-down and jeans, Ms. Vasquez and I glanced into each other’s eyes as if to say, “I know we don’t know each other very well yet, but you make me feel like the world once again is a kind place.”
2) Both Ms. Vasquez and the waitress enjoyed my quip about the variety of burger options on the menu and the unusual length of time it took to read through them in their entirety.
b) The Grand Canyon, June 7-9, 2011.
1) Hiking with Ms. Vasquez and her son Esteban allowed me to demonstrate my aptitude as a father figure to the child, who, despite being much better off for not knowing his unreliable and selfish biological father, still needs someone.
2) Fleeing that sleeping rattlesnake while screaming was my way of teaching Esteban that snakes are dangerous.
c) The Avengers, May 9, 2012.
1) Ms. Vasquez and I enjoyed the movie and held hands throughout, after which she complimented my appearance as being similar to Mark Ruffalo’s.
d) The Avengers 2, among other Mark Ruffalo movies, dates to be determined.
1) I suggested that we watch some of these and she was very much into it.
Friends’ and Family’s Arguments That Gabriela Vasquez Is Simply Using Me to Gain Legal Residence in the United States, and That She Does Not Actually Care for Me on a Personal Level, Rebutted.
a) Mother’s contention that there are weeks on end when I don’t hear from Ms. Vasquez, and perhaps she is seeing other men.
1) She gets to have her own life. The important thing is the love we feel for each other when we are together.
b) Sister’s observation that Gabriela speaks in Spanish on her phone around me often, pointing at me and laughing loudly in a way that sounds mean-spirited.
1) My sister does not speak very good Spanish, so there’s no way for her to tell what’s going on.
2) Gabriela has an excellent sense of humor and we laugh together often. It only makes sense that she would do so with her friends and include me by pointing.
c) Best friend Mike’s argument that it’s strange that Ms. Vasquez and I have never had intercourse.
1) Here we go.
2) Listen, it’s not that weird, okay?
3) Everyone experiences intimacy differently, and she’s been in hard relationships before. And hey, what kind of guy would I be if I didn’t respect that and take things at a speed she’s comfortable with?
4) A bad guy, that’s what.
5) Shut your goddamn mouth.
6) Stop laughing!
7) Please don’t tell anyone.
Lack of Romantic Prospects or Possibility for Any Kind of Fulfillment Without Gabriela Vasquez in My Life.
a) There’s really nothing.
SUGGESTED READSFor A Yellow-Brick Wall
by Mike Gallagher (9/18/2009)
Dispatches From an Indian Casino: Dispatch 14: This Is What It Means to Say Arizona
by Leslie McDonald (6/9/2010)
Non-Essential Mnemonics: “I mean… immigration isn’t illegal is it?”
by Kent Woodyard (9/19/2011)
RECENTLYButterball Help-Line Help-Line
by Alysia Gray Painter (11/25/2015)
Alphabetically Organized Relatives: A New Contest from Amy Krouse Rosenthal and McSweeney’s
by McSweeney's Books (11/25/2015)
Doing Science: The Wonkiness of Pure Bloodlines, and Their Unexpected Upsides
by Emily Helliwell (11/25/2015)
POPULARThe Four Horsemen of Gentrification
by Zain Khalid (11/3/2015)
Monologue: An Extremely Pregnant Woman Has a Few Questions for the Motherhood Maternity Customer Service Desk
by Amy Rolph (8/4/2015)
Monologue: As Your Governor, I Will Protect You From Mass Shooters If They Are Syrian
by Pete Reynolds (11/18/2015)