I was planning on doing it before all this, I swear. I’ll let you look at my diary and you can read the entry entitled “Reasons to Break Up With Nelson.” The date is two weeks before this happened. The thing is, there is other stuff in there I’d rather you not read. I make fun of you. A lot. And I don’t want to add insult to injury by letting you read such hurtful things. It’s just that, after you came back from London, you referred to a parking lot as “dodgy.” You were there for a week! It made me very unattracted to you, and I needed to get it out—you know, vent. Sue me for taking the “healthy” approach!
And now that we’re on the subject of honesty, I must admit, I was never really into this a hundred percent. What? Don’t look at me like you’re better than me. I’m putting it all out there and it’s not easy. This is how it went: On our first date, I was unsure, but decided to give you another shot. On first dates it’s hard to tell. Then, on our second date, you made a bit of a comeback. I liked your T-shirt—faded black with the word “Inferno” printed unobtrusively in gold in the corner. It looked like it was really yours from long ago, not something you bought at Goodwill. Of course, this falsely advertised that you were naturally hip. Also, you paid for dinner again. Nice touch. Generally, our conversation was pleasant and I welcomed the idea of seeing you again. The third date, though. That was rough. You drank too much, I drank more, and we more or less established the fact that the only thing we have in common is that we both like the hit ABC show Lost. (You like the bald guy, though, and I like Matthew Fox. See? We can’t even agree on that.) I brought you back to my place, lay on top of you, and kissed you hard and sloppy. Cheryl convinced me to “see where it goes.”
Now here we are years later living together and, I have to admit, I’m just not that into you. I’ve been giving things a lot of thought lately. I went to a meditation class last Sunday with Cheryl, and it came to me that we should spend some time apart. Pran, my guru (that’s the instructor), agrees. He says, “One cannot flourish when attached to another.” I need to flourish! It will be good for both of us. Especially now, with your oldest friend in a coma, you could probably use some “me time.” No one bothering you, etc. It will allow you to take a look inside, re-evaluate what’s important to you. I know I sometimes like to be alone when I’m going through something. And look at me! Am I not equipped to deal with any problem the world throws at me? You will be, too!
And don’t think for a second that this has anything to do with the fact that Chase and I have been talking again. I’m just being a good friend. He’s a mess from Jackie ending things, and needs someone to talk to. I’m sorry, but I’m not the kind of person who hangs my friends out to dry. God.
Please. Don’t think I’m a bitch. I know it may seem that way, but it’s only because I’m putting myself first for once. You’re not used to that. I feel suffocated lately, trapped, and I think you do, too. I’m doing you a favor here. Watch, you’ll thank me. It wouldn’t be fair to stay with you just because you have “issues” right now. It would be a complete sham of a relationship. And I know you don’t want that.