I Dance Like I Have
Two Left Feet.
You think that you dance like you have two left feet? Consider yourself lucky. I dance like I have two left feet, except one of those left feet is backwards, and the other left foot is upside down. Both of my hands are like left feet too. If I had any other limbs, they would probably also have left feet at the ends of them.
Basically, I’m not very good at dancing.
I used to hope that all these feet would make me into a great soccer player, but I was wrong. You see, I kick like my legs are arms. This makes it difficult to play without getting assorted yellow cards and penalties. I can’t even slide tackle without being accused of elbowing other players. Plus, if I get a case of athlete’s foot, it can spread and quickly become a life-threatening condition.
As you can imagine, I stumble a lot when I’m on the go. In fact, I walk like I’m wearing two right shoes on my two left feet. I’ve got to stay vigilant for obstacles that might trip me up. That’s usually not a problem, because I see like I have one lazy eye and one overly-ambitious eye—even if my lazy eye misses something, my other eye is a really energetic go-getter who’s eager to please me. So that normally balances things out.
But if you spot a car about to run me over, don’t bother yelling to get my attention. I hear like I have no ears.
However, I smell like I have two ears. I don’t mean that my scent is similar to that of a person with two ears, I mean that I have the ability to detect odors as well as someone who… well, you know what I mean. If you have two ears, then I can smell things as well as you can.
I hope I don’t sound like a whiner. I do have some talents. Like thumb wrestling. Even though my right hand is like my left foot, all of the finger-toes on that hand-foot are like thumbs. While most people play like they only have two thumbs, I play like I have ten. It’s almost unfair. To put it bluntly, I thumb-wrestle like I play Scrabble.
Wait, did I not explain how good I am at Scrabble? I probably should have mentioned it earlier so that this analogy would make sense. Perhaps a comparison will help you understand: I play Scrabble like I thumb wrestle.
These activities are great for me because they’re not very strenuous or physical. Anything that involves running is a challenge—I breathe like I have two left lungs. And, as we all know, the left lung is the far inferior of the two.
Even though I can’t hold my breath underwater, I can still swim pretty well, since my back is like a regular back but with a dorsal fin. I just can’t stay out at sea for very long, in case I have to go to the bathroom, which I do constantly because I pee like my left kidney is my right kidney. And vice versa.
I hope by now you have a clear understanding of my condition. It’s kind of difficult to put into words, and I put things into words like I put the beautiful game of soccer into interpretive dance performances.
Which is to say, not very well.
SUGGESTED READSMy Apartment: An Interpretive Dance in Three Parts
by Pasha Malla (4/6/2005)
The Dance Lesson
by Tim Carvell (7/16/2001)
List: Dance Dance Revolution
by Matthew Bonnano (9/11/2008)
RECENTLYBefore You Avenge Your Father’s Death, Please Leave a Positive Yelp Review for My Secret Dojo
by Kenny Murphy (4/29/2016)
Women Who Should Be Pretty Pissed Off: Mary Blandy: The O.J. Simpson of the 18th Century
by Amy Watkin (4/29/2016)
List: Showing Them How It Feels: A TA Evaluates His Students
by Andy Holt (4/29/2016)
POPULARList: Titles of Bach Chorales, as Translated By My Niece After One Semester of German
by Nolan Bonvouloir (4/15/2016)
How to Negotiate a Raise (If You’re a Woman)
by Maura Quint (4/15/2016)
Here Are the Times I Am Typically Free to Meet
by Joe Saunders (4/18/2016)