It was all lies.

Everything that I put forth as true in my book was fabricated, and I can’t keep the secret balled up inside of me anymore. I’m letting it all out. I won’t continue to sit back and watch parents use my bullshit shit book to teach their children that their bodily functions are normal and healthy. It’s not right.

I made it all up.

Everyone Poops? Looking back, it was such an absurd blanket statement that I can’t believe I got away with it. Everyone? EVERYONE? Most people, probably, but everyone? Nobody can know that. Not me, not you, not even God. Yet that didn’t stop me from writing that I poop, you poop, and God poops every Sunday and on the major holidays. It was crazy that nobody flushed out the truth.

I fudged the data.

“An elephant makes a big poop.”

“A mouse makes a tiny poop.”

All nonsense. For all I know it’s the other way around. I’ve never seen an elephant in my life, let alone a mouse. Still, I looked my publisher in the eye, I looked Oprah in the eye, I looked the President of the United States in the eye, and said I could back everything up with hard evidence. Truthfully, the only thing being backed up was me, with all of the crap.

I forged the studies.

There isn’t even a Fecal Studies Laboratory at Poop University. Poop University is of course real, but it’s a liberal arts school with no science department. Nobody checked my sources. Everyone just wanted to believe so badly that it was true. They didn’t care, and when I saw the dollars rolling in, I didn’t care either. Money always does that to people, makes them continue lying about their unexpectedly popular children’s book on the topic of poop. Money ruined everything. Money fueled my evil. Money pooped, according to my book, but, once again, I made that up.

I ask for your forgiveness.

I realize the damage is done. My book has been polluting the public for over 30 years, undoubtedly setting bathroom science back even longer. To atone, I’ve spent countless hours revising Everyone Poops, removing all of the half-truths and false claims with what I know for sure are facts. The new version, I Know That I Poop, will be available for purchase at bookstores and in the toilet section of Home Depot by the end of the month.

I understand my reputation is eternally stained, but please understand that it wasn’t just me. Everyone Poops was everyone’s fault. Sure, the writing was pure insanity, but you people ate it all up. And, biologically speaking, after you eat something, what then also must happen?

Nobody knows for sure.