I Have a Guy for That.
BY C.M. Tomlin
I noticed your nose seems runny today. You should go see my guy. His name is Dr. Sternhagen and his office is on the upper east side. Ear, nose and throat—he’ll fix you right up. All you need, probably, is a prescription for Nasaltrim; it works wonders. Tell him I sent you. He’s a friend of the family. The Nasaltrim’s great stuff but as your mucus dries up you’ll probably find yourself coughing a lot—kind of a dry, hacky cough, because your sinuses are drying out—so you should go see my guy Dr. Wilburforce, a pulmonologist, over in Queens. Tell him you know me. Couple of breathing treatments and you should stop coughing in no time. He’s a miracle worker. The breathing treatments may leave you a little light headed, of course, but that’s normal. And it’s nothing my guy Dr. Feinman in Brooklyn can’t help you with; he’ll give you a few anti-nausea pills which will clear up your head, you know, make you less dizzy. Just call his nurse Carla and tell her I referred you.
The only problem with the anti-nausea pills, even though they’re great, is that they can cause some very severe constipation. So you should pay a visit to my gastrointerologist Dr. Goldman in Midtown. He’ll probably do a sigmoidoscopy with a flexible tube outfitted with a camera (you’ll be sedated, and won’t feel a thing) to see if there’s any problem with your colon or lower intestine. Ask him how his new grandson is; he loves to go on and on about his grandchildren. Dr. Goldman will probably prescribe an extremely strong intestinal relaxant, which can in some cases cause a tingling in the nerves of the spinal column. My chiropractor, Dr. Swansea, can help you get rid of that easily through a series of bi-weekly adjustments which will, I’ll be honest, probably leave you a little sore. Dr. Xiang in Greenwich Village, my guy from a few years back, can help relieve this soreness by placing you on a bed of sharp spikes while stimulating your consciousness with an excellent guided meditation specially designed open your third eye and allow you to discover your spirit animal.
Once you’ve discovered your spirit animal you’ll be ready for a guy who’s not really my guy but the guy of my friend. His name is Dr. Moonbowfeather and he’ll set you up with a scheduled trip to a sweatlodge in the Pine Barrens via shuttle, where you’ll learn to touch the universe as an infinite cloud of sparkling energy and light. After your brush with the fleeting magnificence of your own mortality you’ll probably have some questions about your past and your relations with family members, so you should go see a guy in Chelsea named Dr. Schmittz-Horndorff, who is a guy I have heard about from other guys and who will help you reach a breakthrough by staging an elaborate and surprisingly convincing roleplay in which you’ll regress to your earliest childhood memory and discover the very defining moment in which you became the human being you are today. This will undoubtedly be a mind-blowing catharsis for you, and you’re going to require something heavier to deal with these new revelations. You’re going to need to go to a guy who is not a licensed doctor but rather a guy everyone has nicknamed “Doc,” who will treat you by a series of radical, intense and painful “combat therapies” in which he will repeatedly punch and kick you while you make exclamations (and breakthroughs) about the hurdles and trials with which you struggle daily. His office is in the dim and moldy basement of a dilapidated Woolworth’s in the Meatpacking District, which may lead to some slight upper respiratory congestion. Just go see my guy Dr. Sterhagen about that. Tell him I sent you. You’ll be tip-top in no time.
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